Thursday, June 2, 2011

Confession


Ito ay isang pangungumpisal. Sa isang pagkakasala, na mula't sapul ay hindi ko pinagsisihan. Kahit na alam kong hindi ito tama. Tutal maraming taon na rin ang nakalipas. Baka ito na ang tamang panahon para magpakumbaba, at aminin na ito ay isang pagkakamali.

Gwapo siya, matikas, matatas magsalita, mabait. Kapwa nagkikita sa gym, nagkakayayaang lumabas. Hanggang sa unti-unti kaming nahulog sa isa't isa. Ngunit bago humantong sa isang bagay na hindi na namin matatalikuran, siya ay umamin. Siya ay nakatali sa iba.

Pinilit ko siyang talikuran. Kalimutan. Dahil alam kong hindi ito kaya ng aking kunsensiya. Dati na rin akong naloko, at halos di ko ito kinaya. Ngunit kapwa kami marupok. Pareho kaming nadarang. Ilang taon kaming nakalimot.

Hanggang bigla na lang siyang nagising. Nagpaalam. Inilayo. Alam ko namang wala akong laban. Hindi ako ang dapat niyang lugaran. Hindi ako naghabol kahit na sukdulan akong nasaktan. Karma na rin siguro ng isang makasalanan.

Ako'y nagmatigas at kailanma'y hindi humingi ng tawad. At kung ang mga nakaraang pagsubok ang aking kaparusahan, tanggap ko ang lahat ng ito. Ngunit pagod na rin ako. Ilang taon ko na siyang isinuko. Matagal na siyang nakabalik sa Inyo. Sana ay napatawad Niyo na rin ako.

photo from here

17 comments:

egG. said...

lalim kuya...

ikaw na adventurous :)

vhinong said...

I'm wondering kung siya ay nagpari? tama ba? People who change our lives even in the most little ways have a lifetime memories.

~Carrie~ said...

Thanks to vhinong, maling akala ko na tsugibelles na si koya. Baka nga nagpari. Hamo, sean, napatawad ka na. Kung anuman yung dapat mong pagbayaran, nabayaran mo na marahil, or kung wala naman e nahilom na ang mga sugat. Thanks for sharing, ate

-=K=- said...

Ramdam ko yung bigat ng pakiramdam mo. :( Sometimes it's really hard to discern whether we're making the right choices, especially if it involves our emotions. I've been on the same boat that's why I understand where you're coming from. Please don't be too hard on yourself. The most important thing is that you've already moved past your fascination with the forbidden fruit. Just keep moving forward no matter how painful. I wish you well :-)

Kiks said...

i don't think S/He would mind you having him. S/He is not that ancient, backward and stupid to keep His/Her men in their stead. am pretty sure S/He would love him to love, whether it is you or someone else.

do remember S/He has families who have broader minds, are more accepting and let their children get married and build a family while teaching His/Her words.

Mr. Chan said...

andami mo na palang napagdaanan, grabe. ako, ayoko na ng heart ache :D

kung naka-nino man siya, I hope he's happy and I know you are also heppy na din. db?!

Kuya Kyle said...

napatawad na Niya tayo as long as nagsisi tayo ng buong puso...

hello kuya sean...

orally said...

Ayyy nahiya naman ako bigla. Fantasy ko yan.

tim said...

ikaw na magaling ngayon! sarap ni Fafa dyan1 Sarap lantakan.. hahahaha

imsonotconio said...

hugs

JR said...

pinapatawad na kita paps! chot!

Mahirap maging masaya kung alam mo me masasaktan ka :-(

Sean said...

@egg: haha ikaw talaga eg.

@vhinong. partially true. actually pari na siya noon. he did change my life. he still does.

@carrie: yeah, tama si vhinong. sana nga napagbayaran ko na kasi after natapos yun, talaga namang binaha ako ng mga pagsubok. thanks sis.

@k: that's so true. i knew it was wrong, but i was happy. we were happy. i've moved on but there are times i think that all the trials that came after were because of it. somebody warned me before na mamalasin ako because of it. thanks k.

@kiks: thanks kiks. this made me cry. i know that God is all loving and I shouldn't associate the trials that came (and ang dami niya ha) with spite. after all, the church is not God.

@mr. chan: matanda lang siguro hahaha. yeah, i heard he is happy. i am also happy. thanks mr. chan.

@kuya kyle: sana nga kyle. musta ka na!

@orally: ayyy hahaha! fantasy ko magpari dati. minsan isinuot ko yung damit niya nang si niya alam.

@tim: hahaha. type mo pala mga koreano.

@imnotsoconio: thanks conio.

@jr: sige. nakaluhod na ako sa harap mo. ibigay mo na sa akin ang iyong kapatawaran. hahaha.

Spiral Prince said...

I'd like to think the trials you went through made you stronger, kuya. :)

Mr. G said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mr. G said...

it takes a man to admit and be repentant of the wrong he has done...and I should say, you are THE MAN!

God is a forgiving God, and before you even say it, He has already forgiven you.

let the guilt go...hugs!

Sean said...

@spiral prince: thanks sp. i do hope that they have.

@mr. g: thank you mr. g. i do hope He has.

KikomaxXx said...

ayan kasi chong matotong huwag lumandi paminsan minsan... ayan tuloy... pero anyways kung alam mong tapos na ang lahat.. huwag mo ng alalahanin pa yun.. tapos na eh :)

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