Some Like It Hot

He helped himself with a mouthful and complained that it was cold and bland. Well, it's been sitting there a while, waiting for him. The lack of flavor surprised me though, as I prepared it the same way I always have. He's had it a number of times and was probably tired of it. I just decided to enhance its flavors a bit.

Cheddar has never failed me, so I grated one generous layer after another. But the extra cheesiness just could not mask what was missing. Perhaps some added bite would do the trick. I tossed in a bit of arugula and squeezed a slice of lemon, but the bitterness and sour aftertaste overpowered everything else.

I ground and sprinkled a dash of pepper to spice it up, but it wasn't enough. He wanted something hot on the side, but I wouldn't hear of it. Begrudgingly, he tried to finish what was served. I caught him staring longingly at the new diner across the street, as I quietly chopped onions by the kitchen sink.

photo from here

*Hugs*

Ilang araw na akong hindi mapakali. Ilang gabing walang tulog. Tinatamad gumalaw, kumain, maligo o mag-blog. Walang ginawa kundi ang humilata sa kama at mag-TV series marathon. Dinatnan ako ng aking asawa sa bahay kagabi na humahagulgol sa isang episode ng Fringe.

"O, bakit ka umiiyak?" tanong niya.

"Nalungkot lang ako dito sa TV show na pinapanood ko," ang sagot ko.

"Anong klaseng show ba yan?"

"Sci-fi."

"Sci-fi? Eh bakit ka umiiyak?"

Oo nga naman. Kaya naman pala napapadalas ang aking mga panic attacks, shortness of breath, at malakas na pagkabog ng dibdib. Sumemplang na naman siguro ang timpla ng aking mga hormones. Huwag naman sana akong tubuan ng dyoga at urungan ng lawit dahil sa imbalance na yan.

Humiga siya sa kama at inakap ang aking likod. Yun bang sa sobrang higpit, hindi ka na makagalaw. Ramdam ko ang init-lamig ng kanyang hininga sa aking batok at ang ritmo ng kanyang dibdib sa aking likod. Hanggang sa unti-unti akong natutong sumabay dito, bago tuluyang kumalma at nakatulog.

S&M

Your love
Is a wet towel pressed hard against my face
As I struggle to breathe in and out
My lungs imploding

Your embrace
Bundles me firmly with velvet, tying me down
Your hands tighten around my throat
My voice silenced to whispering

Your heart
Beats in sync with your fists against my soul
As red, black and blue stain my expression
Shame drowns out all feeling

Your passion
Engulfs me with coldness that washes away
The urgency, that build up to ecstasy
And leaves me hanging

I asked why it is so hard to love me
Gently, tenderly, as you did all your lovers
Your eyes read of wonder and pain
Mirroring mine

photo from here

Unexpected Text

I received a text message early this morning. A good friend just lost his battle with cancer. I couldn't go back to sleep, as all these questions ran through my head. On life. One's purpose. Our mortality.

Derek was a happy man, brimming with positivity, a joy to work with. He never changed after the diagnosis. I mean physically he did, as both sickness and treatment wasted his frail body away, but the easy smile never faded. Not even with the thought of leaving a young family behind.

At this age, a number of us begin to look at our lives and ask, Where am I headed. Am I on track. What have I accomplished. What will be my legacy. We often measure success along the lines of career and wealth. And since I quit working, I have neither.

As I began contemplating my supposed failure, I received another text from the same sender. She was grateful that I was her first boss. For inspiring her in her career and personal life. And for being a friend. She added that I look much happier in my recent FB pics, and she hopes that I stay that way.

So am I on track? What have I accomplished? What will be my legacy? The unexpected text made me revisit all these questions. Perhaps success cannot be determined by traditional measures alone.

photo from here

Gamit

Pagkauwi ng bahay, nag-unpack ako ng aking maleta. Tumulong ang aking asawa sa pag-aayos ng kalat. Tulad ng inaasahan, nag-monologue na naman ito sa dami ng gamit sa masikip naming apartment. Nag-umaapaw nga naman kasi. Hindi tulad nung sa dati kong kasama.

Araw-araw siyang nagdadala ng damit at nag-uuwi ng pinagbihisan. Walang siyang iniimbak sa mga drawer at cabinet sa bahay. Lahat ng kaniyang gamit, nasa kotse lang. Kaya nang ako'y kaniyang iniwan, ang bilis niyang naglaho. Walang mga gamit na kailangang iimpake, at mga kahong bibitbitin palabas.

Pinagmasdan ko ang bahay nang siya'y makaalis. Dati na ang mga kasangkapan. Akin ang mga damit na nakasalansan. Walang bakas ng kanyang pag-alis. Wala ring bakas ng aming pagsasama. Tulala akong nahiga, na ang tanging pinanghahawakan sa aming nakaraan ay ang amoy ng kaniyang unan.

Natapos rin naming mag-asawa ang pagliligpit. Pinagmasdan ko ang aming flat. Ito at lahat ng kasangkapan ay magkasama naming ipinundar at pinili. Magulo, pero may sariling kaayusan. Masikip, pero hindi nakakasakal. Simple lang, pero alam mong pili at pinaghirapan.

Parang kami lang.

photo from here

Coming Home

I just sat there, picking at my food, wine untouched. It was another despedida, the fourth one this month. We could barely fill the same table we usually occupy. I always knew it would come to this. We often spoke of going back someday.

The ones leaving have a peaceful aura about them. Well, who wouldn't? They were finally going home. The others shared a wistful look. Soon, it will be their turn. Sensing the absence of longing in me, a couple asked when I intend to go back. I just shrugged and smiled.

I downed my drink and looked at my friends, my extended family these past years. It pains me not to be able to tell them. About my partner. That he is from here. And that I am home.

photo from here

Confession

Ito ay isang pangungumpisal. Sa isang pagkakasala, na mula't sapul ay hindi ko pinagsisihan. Kahit na alam kong hindi ito tama. Tutal maraming taon na rin ang nakalipas. Baka ito na ang tamang panahon para magpakumbaba, at aminin na ito ay isang pagkakamali.

Gwapo siya, matikas, matatas magsalita, mabait. Kapwa nagkikita sa gym, nagkakayayaang lumabas. Hanggang sa unti-unti kaming nahulog sa isa't isa. Ngunit bago humantong sa isang bagay na hindi na namin matatalikuran, siya ay umamin. Siya ay nakatali sa iba.

Pinilit ko siyang talikuran. Kalimutan. Dahil alam kong hindi ito kaya ng aking kunsensiya. Dati na rin akong naloko, at halos di ko ito kinaya. Ngunit kapwa kami marupok. Pareho kaming nadarang. Ilang taon kaming nakalimot.

Hanggang bigla na lang siyang nagising. Nagpaalam. Inilayo. Alam ko namang wala akong laban. Hindi ako ang dapat niyang lugaran. Hindi ako naghabol kahit na sukdulan akong nasaktan. Karma na rin siguro ng isang makasalanan.

Ako'y nagmatigas at kailanma'y hindi humingi ng tawad. At kung ang mga nakaraang pagsubok ang aking kaparusahan, tanggap ko ang lahat ng ito. Ngunit pagod na rin ako. Ilang taon ko na siyang isinuko. Matagal na siyang nakabalik sa Inyo. Sana ay napatawad Niyo na rin ako.

photo from here