Happy Ending?

The lights onstage are dim. The set empty. The judges' panel vacant. I am alone backstage. I look at the lighted mirror in front of me and strip everything off. The borrowed sequined dress. The coiffed hair extensions. The false eyelashes. The gaudy make up. My winning smile. Until all that stares back is me.

I look at the crumpled piece of paper, clasped tightly in my right hand. Callback after callback, and the role is finally mine. We still have to iron out the details, but it is finally happening. I am coming back. I search my eyes, naked under the glare of combined wattage. Am I happy? Is this really where I want to be?

Big and bright, that's how my eyes looked in the light. Unsure. Somewhat panicked. As I struggle to find a way back into the incoming traffic rush. It's funny I'm back in the same spot that I left almost a year ago. A year of finding myself, my true purpose, that elusive concept of fulfillment.

But as what all aging prostitutes will tell you, life goes on. Reponsibilities don't magically disappear. The bills pile up, and you go back to doing what you know best. As I wipe away the remaining red shadow on my lips, I try to hum a tune from my childhood. One that I was able to learn again during my one-year break.



Happiness is finding a pencil. 
Pizza with sausage. 
Telling the time. 
Happiness is learning to whistle. 
Tying your shoe 
For the very first time. 
Happiness is playing the drum 
In your own school band. 
And happiness is walking hand in hand. 
Happiness is two kinds of ice cream. 
Knowing a secret. 
Climbing a tree. 
Happiness is five different crayons. 
Catching a firefly. 
Setting him free. 
And happiness is being alone every now and then. 
And happiness is coming home again. 
Happiness is morning and evening, 
Daytime and nighttime too. 
For happiness is anyone and anything at all 
That's loved by you. 
Happiness is having a sister. 
Sharing a sandwich. 
Getting along. 
Happiness is singing together 
When day is through, 
And happiness is those who sing with you. 
Happiness is morning and evening, 
Daytime and nighttime too. 
For happiness is anyone and anything at all 
That's loved by you. 


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Self-Gratification (Sariling Sikap)

I could count the seconds between your sighs, the gaps between the grunts. Well-measured, timed perfectly, so as to avoid notice. I could almost hear you counting under your breath as you grind your hips clockwise against mine. And then counter-clockwise as you start over.

As I draw near, you whisper words a bit louder. Somewhat faster. A little more urgently. But the tone is off-key. Definitely flat. They sound like words to a song. No, not beautiful lyrically. More like learned by rote. Four aahs followed by two oohs then a yes! Now repeat the first stanza.

I hold you tighter, afraid that I have lost you. I whisper my love, as I taste that familiar earlobe. You smile. Say the words I want to hear. But your eyes remain vacant, staring at an invisible metronome at the ceiling. Then everything stops. I lay beside you, spent. As you rush to the bathroom to clean yourself.

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Basa

May butas ang bubong, ngunit huli na ang lahat. Walang tigil ang buhos ng ulan sa labas. At nagsimula nang pumatak ang tubig sa gitna ng sahig. Kumuha siya ng tabo upang sahurin ang tumatagas mula sa itaas. Tak! Tak! Tak! Tunog ng kanyang pagbagsak, sabay sa pagpatak ng bawat segundo sa orasan.

Mahimbing ang mga bata at ang ibang kasambahay. Ngunit di siya makatulog. Malamig ang panahon, pero mula noong isang taon, hindi na niya nakuhang antukin pa sa hele ng ulan. Hindi siya nagsasalita. Parang may hinihintay. May kinatatakutan. Unti-unting napuno ang tabo, hanggang sa ito ay umapaw.

"Sandali, ibubuhos ko lang ang naipong tubig sa lababo."

Sinundan ko ng tingin ang umapaw na tubig. Dumausdos ito sa gilid ng tabo at dahan-dahang gumapang. Pilit tumatakas palabas. Hanggang sa mapansin ko ang mas mabilis na pagdaloy mula sa ilalim ng pinto. Nagmamadali. Mabilis na tinawid ang buong lawak ng sahig. Hanggang ang dalawa ay nagpang-abot.

"Huwag na. Gisingin na natin sila."


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Ang Bisita

Matingkad pa rin ang amoy ng bawang sa aking mga daliri. Ang dami ko kasing tinadtad kahapon dahil sa natoka sa aking garlic prawns para sa maliit na handaan sa bahay ng aking pinsan. Pagkadating sa kanila, dumiretso ako sa kusina para ilapag ang mga sugpo at ibang sangkap na aking lulutuin.

Nadaanan ko ang mga batang naglalaro sa sala, kasama ang isang binatang ngayon ko lang nakita. Tinanong ko ang aking pinsan kung sino ito. Anak daw ng kaniyang katulong. Makikituloy sa kanila habang naghahanap ng trabaho. Likas na maawain si insan. Manang-mana talaga sa aking nanay.

Habang nagluluto, di ko mapigilan ang magsalita. Kilala ba niya ito. Alam ba niya kung mabuti itong tao. Di dapat iniiwan ang mga bata dito. Wala silang kalaban-laban. Baka hindi rin magsumbong ang mga ito kapag ginawan ng masama. Natigilan ako nang mapansin kong napakalakas na pala ng boses ko.

Tahimik lang akong pinagmasdan ng aking pinsan. Hinango ko ang mga luto nang sugpo mula sa palayok at naghugas ng kamay sa lababo. Pero kahit anong kuskos ng sabon ang gawin ko, kahit gaano karaming tubig ang ipangbanlaw ko rito, talagang malakas pa rin ang kapit ng amoy ng kahapon.

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Blind Date

Dahil sa kabubuyo ng aking mga kaibigan, pumayag na rin akong makipagkita sa kaniya. May kapirasong excitement, kaunting kaba. Hindi tuloy naging mahimbing ang aking pagtulog. Sa mismong araw, nagbihis ako ng kaunti, para naman magmukhang guwapo at kaakit-akit.

Ok naman ang aming pagkikita. Masaya siyang kausap. Palagay ang loob namin sa isa't isa. At sa basa ko sa kaniyang mga kilos, mukha namang gusto rin niya ako. Sa tingin ko, smart and witty naman ako ng gabing iyon. Sana nga lang, ganun din ang nakita niya.

Ako ang nagsabi sa mga nag-reto kong kaibigan na no expectations. Pero eto ako. Ilang araw na. Naghihintay pa rin ng tawag niya. Tuloy, ang dami kong tanong sa sarili. Baka naman masyado akong maagang naging kumportable. O di kaya'y mali lang ang aking basa sa kaniyang mga baraha.

Hay letseng job interview yan! Makataya na nga ng Lotto sa kabilang kanto.

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Uncut

Affected ako. Iba kasi pag napansin mo ang iyong unang uban, o kung medyo umurong na ang iyong hairline. With these physical changes, you can come across a little wiser, more distinguished. Pero ang biglaang untamed growth ng iyong kilay, iisa lang ang ibig sabihin. Matanda ka na.

Hindi ko alam ang gagawin. Pag ginupit ko ba o binunot ang strays, lalo itong hahaba at kakapal? Summer pa naman dito. Ayokong umahon sa swimming pool na may kailangang hawiin from my face apart from my bangs! Hindi ko rin kayang i-brush up lagi at magkunwaring ganun kababa ang aking hairline.

Kinatok ng asawa ko ang pinto ng banyo. "Sandali lang!" kako. Bahala na kung isipin niyang nagme-Mary Palmer ako sa loob. I had to check thoroughly. Wala pa namang gray sa aking balbas at bigote. Ok, wala rin sa kili-kili at dun sa ibaba. Biglang bumukas ang pinto habang mukha kong kinukutuhan dun ang sarili ko.

"You ok? Ano'ng ginagawa mo?" tanong niya sa akin. Wala na akong choice kundi i-explain sa kanya ang aking kababawan. Tulad ng inaasahan, natawa lang siya. Kumuha siya ng suklay at maliit na gunting sa drawer and with a snip, ginupit ang aking problema.

Tinapik-tapik niya ang aking pisngi, habang pinagmamasdan ko ang aking sarili sa salamin. Napangiti ako sa kaniya. "O bukas kulot at pedicure naman ha."

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Some Like It Hot

He helped himself with a mouthful and complained that it was cold and bland. Well, it's been sitting there a while, waiting for him. The lack of flavor surprised me though, as I prepared it the same way I always have. He's had it a number of times and was probably tired of it. I just decided to enhance its flavors a bit.

Cheddar has never failed me, so I grated one generous layer after another. But the extra cheesiness just could not mask what was missing. Perhaps some added bite would do the trick. I tossed in a bit of arugula and squeezed a slice of lemon, but the bitterness and sour aftertaste overpowered everything else.

I ground and sprinkled a dash of pepper to spice it up, but it wasn't enough. He wanted something hot on the side, but I wouldn't hear of it. Begrudgingly, he tried to finish what was served. I caught him staring longingly at the new diner across the street, as I quietly chopped onions by the kitchen sink.

photo from here

*Hugs*

Ilang araw na akong hindi mapakali. Ilang gabing walang tulog. Tinatamad gumalaw, kumain, maligo o mag-blog. Walang ginawa kundi ang humilata sa kama at mag-TV series marathon. Dinatnan ako ng aking asawa sa bahay kagabi na humahagulgol sa isang episode ng Fringe.

"O, bakit ka umiiyak?" tanong niya.

"Nalungkot lang ako dito sa TV show na pinapanood ko," ang sagot ko.

"Anong klaseng show ba yan?"

"Sci-fi."

"Sci-fi? Eh bakit ka umiiyak?"

Oo nga naman. Kaya naman pala napapadalas ang aking mga panic attacks, shortness of breath, at malakas na pagkabog ng dibdib. Sumemplang na naman siguro ang timpla ng aking mga hormones. Huwag naman sana akong tubuan ng dyoga at urungan ng lawit dahil sa imbalance na yan.

Humiga siya sa kama at inakap ang aking likod. Yun bang sa sobrang higpit, hindi ka na makagalaw. Ramdam ko ang init-lamig ng kanyang hininga sa aking batok at ang ritmo ng kanyang dibdib sa aking likod. Hanggang sa unti-unti akong natutong sumabay dito, bago tuluyang kumalma at nakatulog.

S&M

Your love
Is a wet towel pressed hard against my face
As I struggle to breathe in and out
My lungs imploding

Your embrace
Bundles me firmly with velvet, tying me down
Your hands tighten around my throat
My voice silenced to whispering

Your heart
Beats in sync with your fists against my soul
As red, black and blue stain my expression
Shame drowns out all feeling

Your passion
Engulfs me with coldness that washes away
The urgency, that build up to ecstasy
And leaves me hanging

I asked why it is so hard to love me
Gently, tenderly, as you did all your lovers
Your eyes read of wonder and pain
Mirroring mine

photo from here

Unexpected Text

I received a text message early this morning. A good friend just lost his battle with cancer. I couldn't go back to sleep, as all these questions ran through my head. On life. One's purpose. Our mortality.

Derek was a happy man, brimming with positivity, a joy to work with. He never changed after the diagnosis. I mean physically he did, as both sickness and treatment wasted his frail body away, but the easy smile never faded. Not even with the thought of leaving a young family behind.

At this age, a number of us begin to look at our lives and ask, Where am I headed. Am I on track. What have I accomplished. What will be my legacy. We often measure success along the lines of career and wealth. And since I quit working, I have neither.

As I began contemplating my supposed failure, I received another text from the same sender. She was grateful that I was her first boss. For inspiring her in her career and personal life. And for being a friend. She added that I look much happier in my recent FB pics, and she hopes that I stay that way.

So am I on track? What have I accomplished? What will be my legacy? The unexpected text made me revisit all these questions. Perhaps success cannot be determined by traditional measures alone.

photo from here

Gamit

Pagkauwi ng bahay, nag-unpack ako ng aking maleta. Tumulong ang aking asawa sa pag-aayos ng kalat. Tulad ng inaasahan, nag-monologue na naman ito sa dami ng gamit sa masikip naming apartment. Nag-umaapaw nga naman kasi. Hindi tulad nung sa dati kong kasama.

Araw-araw siyang nagdadala ng damit at nag-uuwi ng pinagbihisan. Walang siyang iniimbak sa mga drawer at cabinet sa bahay. Lahat ng kaniyang gamit, nasa kotse lang. Kaya nang ako'y kaniyang iniwan, ang bilis niyang naglaho. Walang mga gamit na kailangang iimpake, at mga kahong bibitbitin palabas.

Pinagmasdan ko ang bahay nang siya'y makaalis. Dati na ang mga kasangkapan. Akin ang mga damit na nakasalansan. Walang bakas ng kanyang pag-alis. Wala ring bakas ng aming pagsasama. Tulala akong nahiga, na ang tanging pinanghahawakan sa aming nakaraan ay ang amoy ng kaniyang unan.

Natapos rin naming mag-asawa ang pagliligpit. Pinagmasdan ko ang aming flat. Ito at lahat ng kasangkapan ay magkasama naming ipinundar at pinili. Magulo, pero may sariling kaayusan. Masikip, pero hindi nakakasakal. Simple lang, pero alam mong pili at pinaghirapan.

Parang kami lang.

photo from here

Coming Home

I just sat there, picking at my food, wine untouched. It was another despedida, the fourth one this month. We could barely fill the same table we usually occupy. I always knew it would come to this. We often spoke of going back someday.

The ones leaving have a peaceful aura about them. Well, who wouldn't? They were finally going home. The others shared a wistful look. Soon, it will be their turn. Sensing the absence of longing in me, a couple asked when I intend to go back. I just shrugged and smiled.

I downed my drink and looked at my friends, my extended family these past years. It pains me not to be able to tell them. About my partner. That he is from here. And that I am home.

photo from here

Confession

Ito ay isang pangungumpisal. Sa isang pagkakasala, na mula't sapul ay hindi ko pinagsisihan. Kahit na alam kong hindi ito tama. Tutal maraming taon na rin ang nakalipas. Baka ito na ang tamang panahon para magpakumbaba, at aminin na ito ay isang pagkakamali.

Gwapo siya, matikas, matatas magsalita, mabait. Kapwa nagkikita sa gym, nagkakayayaang lumabas. Hanggang sa unti-unti kaming nahulog sa isa't isa. Ngunit bago humantong sa isang bagay na hindi na namin matatalikuran, siya ay umamin. Siya ay nakatali sa iba.

Pinilit ko siyang talikuran. Kalimutan. Dahil alam kong hindi ito kaya ng aking kunsensiya. Dati na rin akong naloko, at halos di ko ito kinaya. Ngunit kapwa kami marupok. Pareho kaming nadarang. Ilang taon kaming nakalimot.

Hanggang bigla na lang siyang nagising. Nagpaalam. Inilayo. Alam ko namang wala akong laban. Hindi ako ang dapat niyang lugaran. Hindi ako naghabol kahit na sukdulan akong nasaktan. Karma na rin siguro ng isang makasalanan.

Ako'y nagmatigas at kailanma'y hindi humingi ng tawad. At kung ang mga nakaraang pagsubok ang aking kaparusahan, tanggap ko ang lahat ng ito. Ngunit pagod na rin ako. Ilang taon ko na siyang isinuko. Matagal na siyang nakabalik sa Inyo. Sana ay napatawad Niyo na rin ako.

photo from here