Bitter

I hate Viber, the phone app. You can forget about privacy when you install it on your phone. It allows people you tried so hard to bury in your past to resurface and find you. Like this incoming call. I didn't know if I should pick up. I didn't want to be disrespectful, so I braced myself and said hello.

He was the first guy I ever moved in with. It was a huge step for me then. Not only was I about to start a life with someone, I also knew I was giving up on any hope of being straight. I'd still be in the closet but could finally close that confused chapter in my life. I told myself it was for him. For us.

But forever ended when he found someone else to spend it with. I thought I would never recover from the hurt, the bitterness, the anger. And yet there we were. Talking. Laughing. Enjoying the familiar conversation and playful banter. There were no apologies offered, but we parted as friends.

I stared at his name on my phone's screen, wondering why I didn't dredge up the past, demand an apology, and hold out on the friendship. I just couldn't. Perhaps even in the worst of break-ups, after the pain subsides, the bitterness passes, and the anger is spent, love is all there is you have left.

photo from here

Chismosa

Nag-dinner kaming magkakaibigan and as usual, mga babae ang bumangka sa usapan. Siyempre, topic ng mga chismosa ang buhay ng may buhay. Asawa daw ni #1, may kinakasamang #2 na kaibigan din namin. Di nila maintindihan kung bakit sumama yung pangalawa at paano ito natanggap nung una.

Tahimik lang ako. Sobra na kasi sa opinyon. Mas marami pang nakahaing panghuhusga kaysa pagkain sa mesa. Pero di rin ako nakatiis na di bulabugin ang usapan ng mga laking madre. "Ano ang mali? Tanggap nilang tatlo ang sitwasyon. At sa huli, wala sa kanilang tatlo ang naiwang mag-isa."

Tulad ng inaasahan, ako na ang kinuyog ng mga self-righteous bitches. Sinimulan na nilang i-analyze ang aking buhay mula childhood. Mali ata ang strategy ko. Mas lalo tuloy umingay. Kaya't muli akong humirit, "Teka. Di ba last year, katulad niyo ring mag-isip si #1 and #2 sa mesang ito?"

At sa unang pagkakataon nang gabing iyon, kami namang mga lalake ang bumangka sa usapan.



photo from here

Why Did You Choose Me?

We were lying in bed, reading quietly. We probably looked like one of those boring old couples in a family-oriented film.Very un-hot.

"Why did you choose me?" my husband asked out of the blue.

"Ha? Whatever do you mean?" I answered, not really comprehending the context of the question. And yes, I hate that I can't get rid of that annoying 'Ha?' whenever I get surprised with a pop quiz.

"Well I'm not really the usual type you go for, and yet here we are."

Usual type? He must be referring to the likes of Won Bin, Takeshi Kaneshiro and other celebrities that I swoon over. But who doesn't, right?

"Besides, I'm not the affectionate type that clingy people like you look for," he continued as he chuckled. Clingy? He just had to slip that in.

"You could have chosen someone else. One who probably deserves you better," he finished.

I didn't know where he was headed with this. I wanted to say he's got it the other way around, but I'm usually not good at picking the right things to say. And he may think he is not a Won Bin, when for me, Won Bin could never be who he is to me.

I kept quiet and thought about what he just said. Do we really choose the ones we love? We may screen those we let into our lives, but do we have the same liberty with who we let into our hearts?

I took his hand, and my head found its usual spot on the crook of his shoulder. And beyond the silence, with my head and heart cradled where they have always fit perfectly, he understood everything that I wanted to say.

photo from here

Random

Naunang nakatulog ang aking asawa sa tabi ko. Ikinabit ko ang earphones sa aking telepono, sabay pindot sa controls nito. Random itong pumili ng kanta. Isa mula sa grupong Safetysuit na ngayon ko lang narinig. Madalas na ganyan akong magpatugtog. Gusto ko kasi yung nasosorpresa.

Para antukin, binasa ko ang aking mga lumang blog entries. Wala ring flow mula una hanggang huli. Sabog. Parang ako. Kung ano lang ang maisip. Kung ano lang ang nangyari noong araw na iyon. O di kaya'y may biglang naalala mula sa aking nakaraan. Random shit ba.

Pero kung ipipila mo ang mga nangyari sa kanilang pagkakasunod, makikita mo ang nakatagong kaayusan sa kabila ng pagka-random.  Na ang aking mga karanasan, walang kwenta't makabuluhan, may kirot o kaligayahan, lahat ay inihanda ako sa pinakamalaking sorpresang darating nang di ko inaasahan.

May kalakasan nga lang itong humilik kung minsan.


(This is the song that randomly played on my phone.)

photo from here

Gasgas

Gasgas nang mga linya. Katipo ng "where have you been all my life?" Di ba't nakakasuka? Pero diyan nagsimula ang lahat. Kasama ng ilang order ng lychee martini na nainom ng loka. Blame it on impaired judgement. Di nagtagal ay naging sila.

Umabot na rin sila nang mahigit sa isang taon. Isang taong madalas na magkagalit-bati. Isang taong ako ang binubulabog sa tuwing sila ay may problema. At heto na naman sila. Going strong pa rin sa takilya ang teleseryeng madrama.

Luhaan na namang tumawag ang bilat. Pagod na raw siya. Lagi na raw ginagabi ng uwi ang kaniyang kinakasama. Overtime sa trabaho, sumaglit sa pamilya, gimik ng barkada ang inirarason sa kaniya. Ano na raw ba ang gagawin niya.

Napabuntong-hininga na lang ako. Paano nga ba isalba ang pagsasamang nag-umpisa at patuloy na nabubuhay sa gasgas nang mga linya.

photo from here

Tampong Kulangot

Maliliit na mga bagay. Minsan ay diyan kami nagkakainisang mag-asawa.

"Buksan natin ang aircon ngayong gabi. Di ko kaya ang init," pasabi niya habang naghahandang matulog. "Ha? Tama na itong electric fan. Walang timer yan. Nagbabara kasi ilong ko pag sobrang tagal," sagot ko sa kaniya. Humaba pa ang usapan, pero nanaig ang aking gusto nang nauna akong sumimangot.

Habang kami'y magkatabi, balisa sa pagtulog ang aking asawa. Pihit dito, baling doon. Takip at tanggal ng kumot. Taas ng t-shirt. Ayos ng unan. Halatang hindi kumportable dahil sa init ng panahon. Pasikreto akong bumangon at binuksan ang aircon nang di niya namamalayan.

Unti-unting natigil ang kaniyang pagkabalisa. Tuluyan na rin siyang nahimbing. Nagtago ako sa ilalim ng kumot at nakatulog na rin. Nagising ako nang madaling araw para umihi. Mainit ang kwarto. Walang bara ang aking ilong. Aba't naisahan ako ng loko. Patay na ang aircon.

Maliliit na mga bagay, diyan nga kami minsan nagkakainisan. Pero kadalasan, sa mga munting bagay din na yan namin lihim na naipapakita ang laki ng aming pagpapahalaga sa isa't isa.

photo from here

Take Two

A female friend called. I expected another drawn out discussion on her turbulent lovelife and decided to blog while she spoke. My fingers worked the keyboard, as I recalled the content of an unposted blog entry. Words quickly filled the screen, forming a hastily typed up replica of its original, still lost in the bowels of Blogger's repository.

I scanned the reconstructed post. It resembled the previous entry closely enough, but I couldn't commit to publishing it. Maybe I saw it as a poor copy of the original. Or the sentimental side of me stubbornly thought that nothing would ever compare with the first.

Perhaps not everything deserves a second chance. Its moment has passed, emotions have dissipated. It read familiar yet fell short, and with a click of a mouse, I dumped the entry in the bin. As I started afresh, I began dispensing over the phone relationship advice on how my friend can move on from her first.

photo from here

Bulong

Gusto sana kitang bilhan ng isang dosenang bulaklak. Kahit na mahal. Kahit na hindi ka mahilig dito. At mag-iipit ako ng isang sweet na love note para sa iyo. Sasamahan ko na rin ng tissue, dahil tulad ko, mababaw ang luha mo.

Bibili rin tayo ng magarang damit, at dadaan sa suki mong parlor. Para maganda ka pag tayo'y namasyal. Ipagmamaneho kita buong araw, at tayo'y o-order sa mga paborito mong kainan. Kahit na mga bawal sa iyo, di kita pipigilan.

Mamamakyaw tayo ng mga pasalubong sa mga apong spoiled sa iyo. Bibisita rin tayo kina Tita, dahil siguradong nami-miss ka na niya. At bago umuwi, dadalaw tayo kay Papa para mag-alay ng dasal.

Kaya Ma, sana nama'y makabangon ka na. Mamulat na'ng iyong mga mata. Maramdaman kong muli ang iyong haplos. Mapakinggan ang iyong tawa. Sa kabila ng matagal mong pagkakaidlip, sana'y naririnig mo pa rin ako. Nakikilala.

Andito lang ako. Naghihintay.

photo credit: flickr - atilay

Lumang Larawan

Inatake kamakailan ng pagka-OC ang asawa ko. Dahil sa paghahanda sa kanyang binyag sa paniniwalang Katoliko, nagpupurga siya ng mga baggage sa kaniyang buhay. Dahil sobra siyang excited, damay na rin ang mga abubot sa bahay. At gaya ng inaasahan, karamihan ng kalat ay sa akin.

Ang dami ko raw damit at sapatos na hindi naman ginagamit. Itatapon na raw niya para magkalugar para sa mga importanteng bagay sa buhay. Pa-deep ang loko. Nang sinabi kong pagpipilian ko ito ng ido-donate sa nangangailangan, pumayag naman. Dali-dali ko itong inimbak malayo sa kaniyang mainit na mga mata.

Pati yung laman ng aking baul at mga kahon ng sapatos na mga lumang litrato ay napagdiskitahan ng mokong. Itapon na raw ang mga ito at kalat lang. Di ako pumayag lalo na't wala sa akin ang negatives. Ang dami pa niyang inusisa kaya't ako'y nanood na lang ng pelikula sa kwarto upang makaiwas sa makulit.

Makalipas ang ilang oras, tinawag niya ako sa harap ng computer. Ini-scan pala niya ang daan-daang litrato. Umupo ako sa kaniyang tabi (ayaw niya akong kumandong) at aming pinagsaluhan ang aking nakaraan. Nung ako'y isang sanggol, kabataan naming magkakapatid, aking mga magulang, grad pics ng mga kaibigan at kanilang dedication sa likod.

Buo ang atensyon ng aking asawa sa unti-unti kong pagtanda sa harap ng computer at sa likod ng aking mga kwento. Hanggang sa umabot kami sa isang kuha sa isang restaurant. Kaming magkakapatid, kasama ang kanilang mga kabiyak. Lahat nakangiti sa kamera, pati na ang aking asawa.

"Una niyong pagkikita. Sa tingin mo alam na nila?" tanong ko sa kaniya. Sinapak ako ng kapwa ko tago sa pamilya, bago muling ibinaling ang kaniyang mata sa screen. Nangiti na lang ako, dahil kahit tapos na ang aking kwento sa larawang ito, matagal pa ring napako ang kaniyang paningin dito.

photo from here

Too Long, Too Late

Two years. That's how long the preparations took. Weekly indoctrinations by dedicated volunteers, regular readings, self-discovery, the list goes on. Two years can be a burden for some. As expected, a number from his batch dropped out.

Those left standing were deemed true to their intentions. And last night, all, including my life partner, were reborn of water and the Word. It is inspiring to see them heed His call and embrace the faith. I was simply born into it.

The narcissistic in me wanted to take the credit, insinuating my partner was influenced by the virtues and values that I demonstrated in our relationship. But I, an example of selfishness and pride, knew better.

I watched him quietly. Eyes closed, deep in prayer, awash with emotion, thankful. I had a fleeting recognition of myself from a distant past. I smiled sadly. I can't remember the last time I truly experienced Him. It's been too long, and maybe too late.

With the sign of the cross, my mid-aged husband opened his eyes and beamed at me. I smiled. It is never too late. Perhaps I too can still be reborn in my faith.

Happy Easter to all.

photo from here

Hiling

Isinuot ko sa siwang ang nakatiklop na kapirasong alay mula sa aking bulsa. Kumuha ako ng isa mula sa nakasalansang mga kandila at ipinatong ito sa hilerang pedestal. Isa, dalawa, tatlong kiskis bago nagliyab ang ulo ng posporo na aking inilapit sa mitsang agad namang umapoy.

Nagsimula itong malusaw at inilantad ang angking kabalintunaan. Ang natunaw na kandila ang siyang tumutustos sa apoy na tumutupok dito, ngunit ito rin ang nagpapahaba sa buhay ng maikling mitsa nito.

Hindi dapat ako dadalaw. Nandito rin ako noong isang taon. Meron akong hiling, na sinabayan ko na rin ng pamamakyaw ng mga miraculous relics, misa at dasal. Humingi ako ng himala, ang pagsalba ng isang buhay, ngunit hindi ito ipinagkaloob sa akin. Sumama ang loob ko, at ito ay ikinahihiya ko.

Pinagmasdan ko ang kandila. Unti-unti itong naglawa. Nang tumulo ang unang patak, di na rin napigilan ang pagdausdos ng mga sumunod. Dinukot ko ang panyo sa aking bulsa at ipinahid ito sa aking mga pisngi.

Ngayon ko lang naintindihan. Hindi man ito ang aking hiniling, sapat na tibay ng loob ang himalang aking natanggap upang ang sakit ay aking kayanin.

Have a blessed week.

photo credit: popseoul.com

Binati

Ito ang gusto kong sabihin sa kanya noon:

Nang kita'y aking awitan ng mali-maling lyrics sa sintunado kong boses, narinig mo rin kaya ang lungkot sa aking tinig. Nang mahimbing na ang iyong tulog at nagsimula ang iyong paghilik, naramdaman mo pa kaya ang pag-akap ko sa iyo nang mas mahigpit. 
Kung di ko pinatay ang ilaw nang tayo ay magtalik, nakita mo rin kaya sa aking mukha ang higit ko pang pagsisikap. Nang di kita pigilan noong ikaw ay magpaalam at pinilit kong ngumiti nang di ka magdamdam, nalaman mo pa kaya kung gaano ako nasaktan.

Isa ako sa mga taong hindi nawawala ang pagmamahal sa bawat taong naging malaking bahagi ng aking buhay. Kahit naging masakit sa akin na iniwan niya ako, kahit taon na ang lumipas, mahal ko pa rin siya.

Hindi naman siguro pagkakasala sa aking asawa. Baka nga hindi pagmamahal ang dapat itawag dito. Maaring ihambing siguro sa nararamdaman ng kilala kong nabaldado - ang anino ng dating naging bahagi ng kaniyang kabuuan. Kahit wala na ito, minsan ay nagpaparamdam. May kati, may kirot.

Anino na nga lang ito. Minsang nililingon, at napapangiti. Wala na ang pait, at pareho kaming nagmahal nang muli. Ngayon, gusto ko na lang iparating sa kanyang kaarawan ang maligayang pagbati.

photo credit: oneasianworld.com

Unfaithful

My friends and I had dinner and spontaneously decided to watch Last Night (Keira Knightley, Sam Worthington). The ladies were looking forward to another rom-com treat and were surprised by the underlying theme of the movie - infidelity. The film was also dark and open-ended, which they found disturbing.

They decided to have an impromptu discussion on betrayal over a round of drinks. I generally don't enjoy participating in such discourses, but it was interesting to hear the opinions of people with different relationship statuses:

Single Ladies: They were the most idealistic of the group. They were absolute in their belief that infidelity, be it physical or emotional, was unforgivable. When I asked if they thought they were capable of cheating, they all responded with disgust. Prudes.

Married Ladies: Earlier in their marriages, they were as idealistic as their single counterparts. As they matured in their relationships, they realized they have the capacity for (and would extend) forgiveness. They could not articulate why but claimed it was not because of the children, money, or fear of growing old alone.

Married Men: They understandably had no opinion, as the wives were there. Smart move. Maybe I should have invited them to Genie for a follow through discussion. They have forgiving wives anyway.

Single Men: I was alone in this group, but unbeknownst to the others, I was part of the "married" groups.

I have not faced this dilemma in my current relationship, but I am with the married ladies on this. And like them, I find it hard to explain why I can forgive what the singles view as an affront to the relationship and myself. People may disagree, but maybe an aged relationship is like an old black and white photograph, where everything in the picture is now just different shades of gray.

photo credit: advocate.com

Homebody

Tulog na siya. Nakainom ng kaunti at napagod.

Madaling-araw na kasi nang ako'y makauwi. Ilang araw kaming di nagkita kaya't pareho kaming excited. Alanganin na nga lang ang oras para gumayak pa at lumabas ng bahay para mag-celebrate. Nagbukas na lang ako ng bote ng alak, at masaya kaming nagkwentuhan.

Nagpatugtog din ako ng club music mula sa aking telepono. Para na rin kaming nasa bar kako. May mga pinindot siya rito at nalipat sa aming mga speakers ang masayang tugtog. Ramdam mo ang bawat kabog. Nice. Mahilig siya sa gadgets at nagpapakitang gilas ang loko.

Tumayo siya at nagsimulang umindak. Natawa ako. Pinatay ko ang ilang ilaw para mas akma ang ambiance, bago sumabay sa kanyang galaw, sayaw, kanta, tawa. Dalawang mukhang tanga, medyo lasing, at parang kung anong tinira. Parehong masaya kapag magkasama.

Umupo ako sa kaniyang tabi, inuubos ang natitirang alak bago umidlip. Para kaming mag-asawang may edad na. Simple ang buhay, kuntento na kahit nasa bahay. Dahil naniniwala kami na ang isang pangkaraniwang araw o gabi, kadalasan ay siya pa ngang nagiging bukod-tangi.

photo credit: bedstory.blogspot.com

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Basta't Tayo'y Magkasama

Dinatnan ko ang bahay na madilim, walang tao. Hindi pa dumarating ang aking asawa mula sa sariling lakad. Binuksan ko ang ilaw. Matagal itong nag-uumandap bago nakapagpakalat ng malamlam nitong liwanag. Hindi pa rin namin ito pinapalitan, dahil maghintay ka lang at mas lumiliwanag rin ito.

Ilang linggo ko nang pinag-iisipang tigilan na ang pagiging isang maybahay. Nakipagkita ako kanina sa isang kaibigan na may inihaing posibleng trabaho. Magandang pagkakataon, pero nasa kabilang sulok ng mundo. Napansin niya ang aking pag-aalinlangan, kaya't pag-isipan ko raw muna ito.

Sa pagsasama naming mag-asawa, ilang beses na rin kaming napadpad sa iba't-ibang lugar. May mga pagkakataong siya ang sumama sa akin, at merong ako sa kaniya. Malayo man sa pamilya, lagi pa rin kaming magkasama. Ngunit kailangan niyang pumirmi ngayon dito, nang maalagaan ang sakiting ama.

Pero gusto nga ba naming masuong sa ganitong uri ng pagsubok? At may kabuluhan pa ba ang salitang pagsasama para sa dalawang magkalayo? Malungkot ang aking paligid dala ng matamlay na ilaw. Umupo akong mag-isa, nag-aabang. Naghihintay sa pagtingkad ng mapanglaw na liwanag.

photo credit : shirtlesssexyasian.blogspot.com

Smoke and Mirrors

You waited patiently. As I opened and revealed them one by one, tightly encased within each of my other Matryoshka selves. Slowly, hesitantly. At my own pace, at my own terms. Until I stood there naked, trembling and unsure.

You held my face, pale under the glaring light, with both hands and said, "I like this one the most."

You took my hand and led me away from the Penrose stairs where I have lost those whom I have followed. Ascending, as they went the other way, and realizing too late that I have been tricked into a solitary spiral.

We stopped in between two mirrors facing each other. I instinctively cringed, waiting for the smoke and tricks to appear to thunderous but hollow applause. But everything remained quiet, as you showed me our reflection.

"You are beautiful," you whispered.

And I was, but more so with you. We shared the same smile, you and I, reflected by two mirrors into infinity.

Matryoshka dolls

Penrose stairs

photo credit: 
flickr - two short planks (two mirrors with infinite reflections)
trenddelacreme.com (Matryoshka dolls)
stewardess.inhatc.ac.kr (Penrose stairs)

Little White Lie

Nabanggit ko dati na halos lahat ng aking ex ay naging kaibigan ko rin. Kaya't normal lang sa akin na makatanggap ng text mula sa kanila. Tulad ng aking ex na nakiusap kanina na may asikasuhin ako para sa kaniyang negosyo. Siyempre nagkuwentuhan na rin kami tungkol sa mga kapwa kakilala.

Nagtanong ang aking asawa kung sinong ka-text ko. Hindi siya selosong tao, pero natigilan ako. Dati ko kasing nabanggit na si ex ay pinsan ko. Hindi pang-uuto, ayaw ko lang maungkat ang aming nakaraan. Siguro mali at dapat ang sinabi ko'y kaibigan, pero nataranta ako. Isa siyang kink sa aking personality.

Pero dapat bang malaman ng asawa ang nakaraan ng kaniyang kabiyak? Hindi ko ugaling magtanong. Ilang din akong pag-usapan ang sino, ilan, at dahilan ng hiwalayan - akin man o kanya. Dahil siguro ayaw kong maimpluwensiyahan ng dati ang ngayon.

Itinuwid ko ang aking kasinungalingan at pigil-hiningang inantay ang bugso ng galit at paninibugho. Pero natawa lang siya at sinabing wala akong kailangang baguhin sa nakaraan. Hinarap niya ako at sinimulan naming pag-usapan ang pagtulong na aming gagawin para sa kaibigang nangangailangan.

photo credit: peterfever.com
  

Pangit

Humarap ako sa salamin sa banyo pagkatapos ng mainit na shower. Pinunasan ko ang singaw ng mainit na tubig na kumapit dito at pinagmasdan ang sarili. Nakahabol na nga sa akin ang mga nakaraang taon. Mukhang permanente na ang eyebags na dati'y lumalabas lamang kung ako'y puyat o umiyak. Halata na rin ang mga gatla sa tabi ng aking mga mata kapag ako'y nakatawa, dala malamang ng pagkaadik sa sigarilyo. At wag na nating pag-usapan ang buhok, at baka lalo itong mausog.

Sabi nila, men age gracefully. May mga nagiging mas gwapo, mas mature, mas matikas, mas may paniwala sa sarili, o mas may personalidad. Hindi ba't maraming Hollywood actors na napapanatili o kaya'y nahihigitan ang kasikatan sa kanilang pagtanda? Pero ganito rin ba ang kalakaran sa mundong ginagalawan ng mga katulad ko?  

Pumasok ang aking asawa, at naghugas ng kamay sa lababo. Pinagmasdan ko siya. May kaunting puti na sa kaniyang buhok, ilang mababaw na gatla sa noo at pagitan ng dalawang kilay, at may kutis ng isang naninigarilyo. Hinaplos ko ang kaniyang mukha. Hanggang ngayon, di ko pa rin mapigilan ang ngumiti kapag siya'y nakikita. Na sa tuwing siya'y darating ng bahay, humahangos pa rin ako sa pinto para salubungin siya at akapin.

"Pangit!" pangungutya niya sa akin habang pilyong nakangisi.

Natawa ako. Ito ang unang salitang Tagalog na itinuro ko sa kaniya, mahigit walong taon na ang nakaraan. Mula noon, nakakabit na sa akin ang palayaw na ito. Pinagmasdan kong muli ang aking sarili sa salamin. Hindi na nga ako kasimbata nang una kaming magkita, pero hanggang ngayon, ako pa rin ang nag-iisang Pangit sa kaniyang paningin.

photo credit : vietbao.vn
     

Paghihiganti

We were raised to forgive those who have done us wrong. So when Jeff left me for Noli (click link for story), I tried to forge a friendship with both of them. But it's hard to remain gracious, particularly when the pain is still there. The bile slowly creeps its way up, and all you can think about is the sweet taste of revenge to rid yourself of all the bitterness.

We were having lunch at Robinson's, where Jeff was meeting a client to visit a housing project in Laguna. He suggested for Noli to keep me company, and we'd meet up with him later in the afternoon. After Jeff left, I told Noli that I was tired, wanted to catch a quick nap at home, but he was welcome to hang out, if he wanted.

A few minutes later, I was in bed in my boxers. I told Noli that he was free to join me if he was tired and closed my eyes. I felt the cushion give way as he slowly crawled in from the other side. I had both hands behind my head, chest and biceps still tense from the previous day's workout, legs slightly apart. They were an eternity apart, but the sounds of compressed bed springs came closer until his breath was upon me.

"Pu! Tang! Ih! Nah! Niyo!" I screamed over and over in my head. One syllable for each thrust. I never cry during sex, but that time, I was overcome with emotion. Then his phone rang. Nobody stopped to pick it up. Then mine rang. A few more rings and we were done. "Sunduin na natin siya," I told Noli, avoiding his eyes. We quietly dressed and went back for Jeff.

Jeff's hands were clenched. He was trembling. No words were spoken, but he knew. It wasn't the tears, but what I read in his eyes that crushed me. The pain he felt wasn't only for Noli and him. It was also for letting me go before, for giving me up.

I ran away from both of them, and locked myself in one of the rest room cubicles. Bile and pieces of chicken and rice were climbing up my throat. I vomited into the toilet bowl, and I retched some more, until I had nothing left inside. Except for that empty, hollow feeling that you get after having your fill of revenge.

(P.S. Jeff and I have since forgiven each other, and we remain friends. Jeff and Noli have decided to go separate ways after a year together. I have not seen Noli since the incident.)

photo credit : iamkoream.com
    

The Color Of Our Collar

I just heard that a straight friend of mine is now in a domestic partnership. He's the deputy head of a firm, while she is/was a stripper. Do they have a future? Out of political correctness, I should say that one's social status shouldn't be an issue. I am not a skeptic, but I am concerned. He had a previous nervous breakdown due to a failed relationship and probably won't survive another one.

Is it truly possible for people from different worlds to sustain a long-term relationship? I was once a romantic. I used to believe that as long as two people were in love, it wouldn't matter if they came from different backgrounds. But oftentimes, things look better from afar.

I met Jeff in Starmall. He was moreno, cute, and had a nice smile. He was a merchandiser in a department store, and moonlighted as a real estate agent for a low-cost housing project in his free time. Typical story - we met, he invited me to dinner, and we fell for each other.

We always stayed in his boarding house in Sampaloc. We shared meals in the carinderias that flourished in the area. We would have drinks in places that looked more like sari-sari stores. It was a simple life, and we were happy. Until I started sharing more of myself, my life, with him.

One day he picked me up at work, and he quietly said he was not comfortable around people in ties or barongs. I quickly took mine off. I brought him to my flat, which was small and simply decorated, but had a spectacular view. He smiled as he looked out the window, but there was a sadness in his eyes. Even the sex was different. It felt stiff, cursory.

Something intangible was suddenly yet firmly wedged between us. For months I desperately tried to reach out and bridge the widening gap, but he wouldn't reach back. I didn't know the reason, until he said, "Sean, sorry pero may nakilala ako. Merchandiser din siya. Mas bagay kami sa isa't isa." (How I got back at him will be for another entry.)

I was heartbroken and blamed myself for what happened. But looking back, is it possible that the gap was there all along, and we simply chose to ignore it at first? I hope that my experience was only one of a few unfortunate ones, but can love really transcend differences between people? I don't know the answer, but for my friend and his partner, I wish that they will have more faith that it can.

photo credit : famewatcher.com