Labo Ba

Pumasa naman ako sa subject na Physics noon, kaya alam kong may kaayusan ang mga bagay sa mundo. Na kapag inihagis ko pataas ang hawak kong bagay, babagsak din ito pabalik sa lupa.

Ewan kung weird lang ako, pero iba dito ang pananaw ko. Sa akin, kapag may ibinato ka pataas, di talaga ito natitinag mula sa kaniyang kinalalagyan. Ikaw at pati na ang buong mundo ang siyang nalalaglag pababa.

Labo ba? Sige eto pa isa.

Kapag ang tangan mong bagay ay iyong binitiwan at bumagsak, Ang totoo niyan ay ito ang kumalas sa iyo. At imbis na ito ay malaglag, ang mundo ang siyang umangat hanggang lumapat ang sahig dito.

Weird ba? Iba rin kasi ang sitwasyon ko nung dating pinag-isipan ko ito.

Noon ay pilit kong sinasabi sa aking sarili na hindi ako ang ibinato't itinapon, kundi siya ang nalaglag. Na hindi ako ang binitawan, kundi ako ang kumalas. Na ang mundo ko'y umaaangat na, kaya ako nasubsob. Dahil kailangan ko noong maniwala na may kaayusan pa rin ang aking mundo.

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Under His Thumbnail

It was dead, of that I was certain.

I saw how it was butchered. I cringed as it wailed in pain. And even more at the gurgling sound it made, as it drowned in its own blood. Life spilled and seeped into the earth, and it gradually faded. Then it just lay there, unmoving.

For good measure, the man with the bloodied hands came back with a hammer and hit it on its head. Neither one flinched. Then the hammer came down a second time. I inched closer after the man left and nudged it lightly with my foot. Not a twitch.

I knelt beside it and stared at its young and beautiful face. What a waste, I thought to myself. Only the shock of what I witnessed kept me from breaking down. A makeshift grave, a quick burial, I patted down even the memory of it beneath the fresh earth.

"Are you sure it's dead?" the man asked again, bringing me back to the present. Behind him, I thought I saw the ground shift. Something stirred, though imperceptibly, underneath. He reached out to touch my face, and I trembled at the sight of caked rust under his fingernails.

I shoved the man aside and threw myself on the ground. I plowed through the dirt with my bare hands until i found what I buried over a decade ago. I grabbed the closest piece of rock that i could find and started pounding. When I finally stopped, I couldn't see with all the dust I stirred up.

I stood up, dusted myself, and went back to the man who was still there, waiting for my response.

"Yes. It is dead."

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Bitter

I hate Viber, the phone app. You can forget about privacy when you install it on your phone. It allows people you tried so hard to bury in your past to resurface and find you. Like this incoming call. I didn't know if I should pick up. I didn't want to be disrespectful, so I braced myself and said hello.

He was the first guy I ever moved in with. It was a huge step for me then. Not only was I about to start a life with someone, I also knew I was giving up on any hope of being straight. I'd still be in the closet but could finally close that confused chapter in my life. I told myself it was for him. For us.

But forever ended when he found someone else to spend it with. I thought I would never recover from the hurt, the bitterness, the anger. And yet there we were. Talking. Laughing. Enjoying the familiar conversation and playful banter. There were no apologies offered, but we parted as friends.

I stared at his name on my phone's screen, wondering why I didn't dredge up the past, demand an apology, and hold out on the friendship. I just couldn't. Perhaps even in the worst of break-ups, after the pain subsides, the bitterness passes, and the anger is spent, love is all there is you have left.

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Secret Obsession

I checked if my husband was looking before I discreetly called up the YouTube site on my screen. I typed a search filter, clicked on one of the links that appeared, and put my earbuds on.

He appeared on the screen. Handsome. Confident. Almost regal. Then he commenced with his speech. And I don't know if it was for the same reasons as before, but I was again in awe. Of my ex.

It's my dirty little secret, and I admit, it's quite bordering on obsession. Is this a form of cheating? I honestly don't know. What i do know is that in spite of this guilty pleasure, I don't love my husband less.

Some might say this is an excuse, but maybe I don't really need to analyze and justify what I still feel. Perhaps it is simply that love, even one that's all in the past, will always be beautiful to look at.

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Unmoving

Propped against the rim of one of twin glass cups, it stood over a thin film of crusted toothpaste at its base. Unlike its neighbor, its flayed bristles dried out and started collecting dust a long time ago.

Inches away lay a blue plastic razor. Barely used, still as sharp as ever, but has grown to be quite the loner. Countless neighbors have come and gone, and it has found it pointless to get to know them better.

They have stayed in place where you left them.

Still waiting. Unmoving.

Pining.

Hoping.

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Quits

Nangako siya sa akin. At ako sa kaniya. Na pareho na naming ititigil ang aming nakasanayang bisyo. Nag-imbak pa kami ng Nicotinell (nicotine patch) at Champix (anti-smoking pills) para makatulong sa pag-iwas dito. Alam naming napakahirap, pero sabay naming kakayananin ito.

Matapos ang panandaliang pagkabugnot ay ok na kami. Di na rin limitado ang aming mga date sa lugar na pwedeng manigarilyo. Napakasarap din ng pakiramdam, na ang isa't isa'y inyong inaalagaan. Pinapaalalahanan. Nagtutulungang maging tapat sa mga salitang binitiwan.

Ngunit maraming tukso. At ako'y kumapit sa aming mga pangako. Ang akala ko'y ganun din siya. Hanggang minsang tumulong akong maglinis ng sasakyan niyang nakaparada. Inabot at binuksan ko ang kanyang palad. Sabay bitaw. Sa nakita kong lighter ng Sogo. Pati na rin sa lahat ng kanyang ipinangako.

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Self-Gratification (Sariling Sikap)

I could count the seconds between your sighs, the gaps between the grunts. Well-measured, timed perfectly, so as to avoid notice. I could almost hear you counting under your breath as you grind your hips clockwise against mine. And then counter-clockwise as you start over.

As I draw near, you whisper words a bit louder. Somewhat faster. A little more urgently. But the tone is off-key. Definitely flat. They sound like words to a song. No, not beautiful lyrically. More like learned by rote. Four aahs followed by two oohs then a yes! Now repeat the first stanza.

I hold you tighter, afraid that I have lost you. I whisper my love, as I taste that familiar earlobe. You smile. Say the words I want to hear. But your eyes remain vacant, staring at an invisible metronome at the ceiling. Then everything stops. I lay beside you, spent. As you rush to the bathroom to clean yourself.

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Some Like It Hot

He helped himself with a mouthful and complained that it was cold and bland. Well, it's been sitting there a while, waiting for him. The lack of flavor surprised me though, as I prepared it the same way I always have. He's had it a number of times and was probably tired of it. I just decided to enhance its flavors a bit.

Cheddar has never failed me, so I grated one generous layer after another. But the extra cheesiness just could not mask what was missing. Perhaps some added bite would do the trick. I tossed in a bit of arugula and squeezed a slice of lemon, but the bitterness and sour aftertaste overpowered everything else.

I ground and sprinkled a dash of pepper to spice it up, but it wasn't enough. He wanted something hot on the side, but I wouldn't hear of it. Begrudgingly, he tried to finish what was served. I caught him staring longingly at the new diner across the street, as I quietly chopped onions by the kitchen sink.

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Gamit

Pagkauwi ng bahay, nag-unpack ako ng aking maleta. Tumulong ang aking asawa sa pag-aayos ng kalat. Tulad ng inaasahan, nag-monologue na naman ito sa dami ng gamit sa masikip naming apartment. Nag-umaapaw nga naman kasi. Hindi tulad nung sa dati kong kasama.

Araw-araw siyang nagdadala ng damit at nag-uuwi ng pinagbihisan. Walang siyang iniimbak sa mga drawer at cabinet sa bahay. Lahat ng kaniyang gamit, nasa kotse lang. Kaya nang ako'y kaniyang iniwan, ang bilis niyang naglaho. Walang mga gamit na kailangang iimpake, at mga kahong bibitbitin palabas.

Pinagmasdan ko ang bahay nang siya'y makaalis. Dati na ang mga kasangkapan. Akin ang mga damit na nakasalansan. Walang bakas ng kanyang pag-alis. Wala ring bakas ng aming pagsasama. Tulala akong nahiga, na ang tanging pinanghahawakan sa aming nakaraan ay ang amoy ng kaniyang unan.

Natapos rin naming mag-asawa ang pagliligpit. Pinagmasdan ko ang aming flat. Ito at lahat ng kasangkapan ay magkasama naming ipinundar at pinili. Magulo, pero may sariling kaayusan. Masikip, pero hindi nakakasakal. Simple lang, pero alam mong pili at pinaghirapan.

Parang kami lang.

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Confession

Ito ay isang pangungumpisal. Sa isang pagkakasala, na mula't sapul ay hindi ko pinagsisihan. Kahit na alam kong hindi ito tama. Tutal maraming taon na rin ang nakalipas. Baka ito na ang tamang panahon para magpakumbaba, at aminin na ito ay isang pagkakamali.

Gwapo siya, matikas, matatas magsalita, mabait. Kapwa nagkikita sa gym, nagkakayayaang lumabas. Hanggang sa unti-unti kaming nahulog sa isa't isa. Ngunit bago humantong sa isang bagay na hindi na namin matatalikuran, siya ay umamin. Siya ay nakatali sa iba.

Pinilit ko siyang talikuran. Kalimutan. Dahil alam kong hindi ito kaya ng aking kunsensiya. Dati na rin akong naloko, at halos di ko ito kinaya. Ngunit kapwa kami marupok. Pareho kaming nadarang. Ilang taon kaming nakalimot.

Hanggang bigla na lang siyang nagising. Nagpaalam. Inilayo. Alam ko namang wala akong laban. Hindi ako ang dapat niyang lugaran. Hindi ako naghabol kahit na sukdulan akong nasaktan. Karma na rin siguro ng isang makasalanan.

Ako'y nagmatigas at kailanma'y hindi humingi ng tawad. At kung ang mga nakaraang pagsubok ang aking kaparusahan, tanggap ko ang lahat ng ito. Ngunit pagod na rin ako. Ilang taon ko na siyang isinuko. Matagal na siyang nakabalik sa Inyo. Sana ay napatawad Niyo na rin ako.

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Binati

Ito ang gusto kong sabihin sa kanya noon:

Nang kita'y aking awitan ng mali-maling lyrics sa sintunado kong boses, narinig mo rin kaya ang lungkot sa aking tinig. Nang mahimbing na ang iyong tulog at nagsimula ang iyong paghilik, naramdaman mo pa kaya ang pag-akap ko sa iyo nang mas mahigpit. 
Kung di ko pinatay ang ilaw nang tayo ay magtalik, nakita mo rin kaya sa aking mukha ang higit ko pang pagsisikap. Nang di kita pigilan noong ikaw ay magpaalam at pinilit kong ngumiti nang di ka magdamdam, nalaman mo pa kaya kung gaano ako nasaktan.

Isa ako sa mga taong hindi nawawala ang pagmamahal sa bawat taong naging malaking bahagi ng aking buhay. Kahit naging masakit sa akin na iniwan niya ako, kahit taon na ang lumipas, mahal ko pa rin siya.

Hindi naman siguro pagkakasala sa aking asawa. Baka nga hindi pagmamahal ang dapat itawag dito. Maaring ihambing siguro sa nararamdaman ng kilala kong nabaldado - ang anino ng dating naging bahagi ng kaniyang kabuuan. Kahit wala na ito, minsan ay nagpaparamdam. May kati, may kirot.

Anino na nga lang ito. Minsang nililingon, at napapangiti. Wala na ang pait, at pareho kaming nagmahal nang muli. Ngayon, gusto ko na lang iparating sa kanyang kaarawan ang maligayang pagbati.

photo credit: oneasianworld.com