Lights

October 31, 2011

I want to write a blog entry that is brimming with positivity.

One that will, cheesy as it may sound, brighten someone's day. Or night. Make it radiant enough to inspire that person to share even the softest of its embers to another. Kindling the tiniest of flickers that can quickly turn ablaze. In turn sparking a chain of brilliance radiating from that single entry.

Then maybe even just a glimmer of such brightness would find its way back to me.

Before long I'll be floating in a sea of lights, much like today in this park. But even their radiance won't dispel all the shadows, much less those growing within me. And beyond the food, drink, music and festive mood, the smoke from the flames makes my eyes water. My chest starts to heave, and I steady myself against a slab of marble.

I flew in this weekend, and I am again... home. But for the first time in years, it doesn't feel like it.

photo from here

Urinal

Work's a bitch. It has kept me from writing and reading other blogs. Moving on...

Don't you just hate urinals? I mean, what is there to love? They force men to pee side by side - how do you unload with someone standing close to you? And with uncircumcised dicks around, the likelihood of one wetting your shoe is not remote. Oh and those automatic flushes? They're timed a few seconds too early - I always end up getting sprayed before I'm done.

In the office though, it's a different story. I love how they are strategically set up - when you enter the lavatory, you are immediately greeted by the sight of whoever's using one. The locals here prefer to stand at least a foot away from their target. And foreigners like myself? I just found out why the phrase "once you go black, you never go back" was coined.

I do bump into gorgeous guys once in a while. Too bad it's only outside the loo, as I always miss them. But this morning, a tall, blonde hunk chose to relieve himself beside me. Beautiful face, enchanting blue eyes, but it still took all of my willpower and more not to break eye contact and allow my stare to drift downwards as we chit-chatted.

I was still beating myself over what I missed and couldn't focus at work. I went to the pantry to kill time and decided to stake him out in the toilet soon. Thing is, I don't really feel the urge to pee that frequently.

"You're quite thirsty," someone commented. It was then that I realized that I have monopolized the cooler and was mid-way through my 5th glass of water.

photo from here

Why Did You Choose Me?

We were lying in bed, reading quietly. We probably looked like one of those boring old couples in a family-oriented film.Very un-hot.

"Why did you choose me?" my husband asked out of the blue.

"Ha? Whatever do you mean?" I answered, not really comprehending the context of the question. And yes, I hate that I can't get rid of that annoying 'Ha?' whenever I get surprised with a pop quiz.

"Well I'm not really the usual type you go for, and yet here we are."

Usual type? He must be referring to the likes of Won Bin, Takeshi Kaneshiro and other celebrities that I swoon over. But who doesn't, right?

"Besides, I'm not the affectionate type that clingy people like you look for," he continued as he chuckled. Clingy? He just had to slip that in.

"You could have chosen someone else. One who probably deserves you better," he finished.

I didn't know where he was headed with this. I wanted to say he's got it the other way around, but I'm usually not good at picking the right things to say. And he may think he is not a Won Bin, when for me, Won Bin could never be who he is to me.

I kept quiet and thought about what he just said. Do we really choose the ones we love? We may screen those we let into our lives, but do we have the same liberty with who we let into our hearts?

I took his hand, and my head found its usual spot on the crook of his shoulder. And beyond the silence, with my head and heart cradled where they have always fit perfectly, he understood everything that I wanted to say.

photo from here

Kachichas

Wala akong kasamang mag-lunch kanina. Mabilis kong inubos ang aking pagkain at gumala na lang sa loob ng shopping mall. Dahil depressing para sa akin ang paglamig ng panahon, nag-impulse buying na naman ako para maibsan ang lungkot.

Bitbit ang pinamili pabalik ng opisina, tinanong ako ng kasamahan kong tsismosa kung sale daw ba. Inamin kong napabili lang ako para maaliw. Natawa siya dahil gawain daw ng babae yun. Gusto kong sabunutan ang kaniyang uni-brow at kulutin ang kaniyang nguso.

Toxic uli ang araw na ito. Halos alas onse na ng gabi, pero may isa pa akong meeting. Said na ang aking lakas, pasensiya, at good vibes. Kaunti na lang ang naiwang tao kaya't binuksan ko ang mga pinamili at isinuot ang bagong sapatos. Kinunan ko ito sabay send ng MMS sa aking asawa.

Natawa lang siya at nang-alaska bago ako muling kinulit na kumain daw muna. Pumatak ang alas-onse, kailangan ko nang pumunta ng boardroom para sa meeting. Tumayo ako't humayo, suot ang aking bagong sapatos at ang panibagong sigla sa aking lakad.

Empty Embrace

With trembling fingers, he traces an invisible outline. One that has faded with time. He smiles. And the edges of his eyes crinkle up, the lines betraying what he's endured even before the tears came. They flow freely, as if to wash away the loss, regret, and pain.

He holds on to what's left, burying his face in it. He breathes in deeply, trying to take in a scent that's long gone, realizing what lingers is only his own. He wraps his arms tightly around himself in an empty embrace. The cool autumn steps into winter's chill, the bare branches outside his window reach out imploringly to the darkening sky.

Random

Naunang nakatulog ang aking asawa sa tabi ko. Ikinabit ko ang earphones sa aking telepono, sabay pindot sa controls nito. Random itong pumili ng kanta. Isa mula sa grupong Safetysuit na ngayon ko lang narinig. Madalas na ganyan akong magpatugtog. Gusto ko kasi yung nasosorpresa.

Para antukin, binasa ko ang aking mga lumang blog entries. Wala ring flow mula una hanggang huli. Sabog. Parang ako. Kung ano lang ang maisip. Kung ano lang ang nangyari noong araw na iyon. O di kaya'y may biglang naalala mula sa aking nakaraan. Random shit ba.

Pero kung ipipila mo ang mga nangyari sa kanilang pagkakasunod, makikita mo ang nakatagong kaayusan sa kabila ng pagka-random.  Na ang aking mga karanasan, walang kwenta't makabuluhan, may kirot o kaligayahan, lahat ay inihanda ako sa pinakamalaking sorpresang darating nang di ko inaasahan.

May kalakasan nga lang itong humilik kung minsan.


(This is the song that randomly played on my phone.)

photo from here

Miguel

Hindi ko ugaling mag-delete ng contacts sa cellphone. Tamad talaga akong mag-update ng address book, kahit paso na ang ibang number. Kaya naman laking gulat ko nang makakuha ako ng text sa kaniya. College pa kasi nang kami'y huling nagkita.

"Miguel is now using Viber..." Ah ok, automatic notification lang pala.

First day of school nang kami'y nagkakilala. Isang unlikely friendship dahil napakatotoy niya, lumaking sheltered samantalang lahat ata ng bisyo't katarantaduhan ay nagawa ko na. Mula noon ay di na kami nagkahiwalay. Araw-araw magkasama, buong gabing magkausap.

Unti-unting lumaki ang aming barkada, pero si Jen ang naging pinakamalapit sa aming dalawa. Dahil sa mga naging problema ko sa bahay, sila ang kinilala kong tunay na pamilya. May mga gago nga lang na nagtatanong kung threesome daw ba ang aming setup.

Senior year nang ang dalawa'y nagsabing sila na. Nag-uumapaw ang aking saya para sa kanila. Walang nagbago sa amin, ngunit kusa akong lumayo. Kumalas upang magbigay space sa bago nilang pagsasama. Lagi na akong may excuse sa tuwing ako'y kinukumbida.

Ilang araw bago ang graduation nang sila ay mag-away. Umamin sa akin si Miguel, nangaliwa raw siya. Di ko mapigilan ang aking galit. Walang tigil ko siyang pinagmumura, at malamang ay nabugbog ko kung di ako napigilan ng iba. Natigil na lang ako sa tanong ng isa naming kabarkada.

"Bakit ka ba galit na galit? Cool ka lang pare dahil hindi naman ikaw ang niloko. Alam kong malapit ka kay Jen, pero nakakalimutan mo atang si Miguel ang best friend mo."

Tama nga ang aming kaibigan. Bakit ganun na lang ang aking galit? Hindi ba dapat ay nanatili akong objective at pareho silang inintindi at inalagaan? Hindi na kami nagkita matapos ang graduation. Saka ko na lang naintindihan ang nangyari, at naamin ito sa aking sarili.

Totoong hindi nga ako ang niloko. Ako lang ang umasa.

photo from here

When It Rains...

I woke up with a splitting headache this morning. I wanted to stay in, but being new to the job, I dragged myself out of bed and into the office. I got in earlier than usual, made myself coffee, and started to leisurely go through my e-mails, hoping that the rest of the day would be as quiet.

Then my phone rang. I picked it up and used the standard greeting... of my ex-employer, a competitor. I got away with a few odd stares from my neighbors, and for the entire day, I had to practice what to say in my head before I took any calls.

I was then dragged into useless meetings. With a pounding head, a cramped boardroom, and the way everyone skirted around the real issues, I was ready to vomit. I was sweating so badly that i swear i could smell my pits and damp leather shoes. I bet everyone in the room did.

I was ectatic when the clock hit 6, only to find out that I had to partipate in meetings with colleagues in another time zone. I was hungry and nauseous and all I could hear for the next hours was the rumbling in my stomach before I finally vomited into the nearest bin.

The last call finished late, and I ran downstairs to catch the last train. I sprinted to the nearest station only to see the shutters at the entrance slowly descend before finally shutting me out. I stood in the middle of the street, unwell and on the verge of exasperation.

Then, as if on cue, the rain started to pour.

photo from here

Mabenta

Katatapos lang ng mahabang public holiday dito, at simula kahapon ay may pasok na. Lahat ay nagtatrabaho ngayong weekend upang punuan ang nakaraang mga araw ng paglalamiyerda. Upang kumita, isinama ako ng ka-opisina sa isang kliyente at nagbakasakaling makakuha ng benta.

Mag-isa lang kaming hinarap ng kliyente. Babae. Late 40s na siguro. At sobrang accommodating. Nagpakilala kami, at tinanong niya ako kung dati na kaming nagkita. Ngayon lang kami nagkakilala, at biglang ang dami na niyang tanong tungkol sa aking background.

Habang naglalako ang aking kasama, panay ang pukol ng panakaw na sulyap sa akin ng aming kliyente. Makailang beses rin niya akong kinulit kung saan nga raw ba niya ako dating nakita. Baka raw sa TV. Nakabenta naman kami, kaya't masaya kaming bumalik sa opisina ng aking kasama.

At doon na ako tinukso ng ka-opisina. Mabenta at artistahin raw ang aking itsura sa mga kliyente, kaya't lagi na raw niya akong isasama. Okay, sana walang kumontra. Minsan lang may ganitong moment, kaya't pagbigyan na. Siyempre, pagka-uwi sa bahay ikinuwento ko agad sa aking asawa.

Hinawakan niya ang aking kamay bago seryosong nagsalita. "Sa Chinese tradition, ang typical na hanap nila ay ang makapagbibigay ng security sa buhay. Yung malusog dahil may kinakain. Mataas ang hairline dahil matalino. Malapad ang ilong dahil swerte," aniya sabay ngiti at kindat.

Hindi ako kumain ng dinner at breakfast. At bago umuwi, dadaan ako ng palengke para bumili ng sabila.

photo from here

Golden Week

We're at the tail-end of what they call the Golden Week here in China. From the 1st of October, we have a week's reprieve from work. We actually only get 3 days off, but the working days are rearranged so that the extra 4 days are compensated by working on weekends.

The long holiday spurs a mass migration of people across China. Migrant workers return to their families, while others travel within the country during this time. Given the stress wrought by an estimated 100 million travelers on public transport, we decided to stay put.

In hindsight, we should have just left, as the city was packed with tourists. As we braved the crowd (think EDSA Dos), I asked hubby this. Had it not been for that first time, did he think we would have met at all? But before he could answer, we got separated in the chaos.

Typical in China, I was constantly pushed by those around me. After a quarter of a lifetime here, I've learned to live with it and go with the flow. I was swept by the crowd a hundred meters and more. And after an eternity, the collective mass of bodies finally spat me out onto the sidewalk.

"Nice to see you here," said a familiar voice.

I rushed to his side and placed an arm around his shoulder, as we walked the rest of the way home together.

photo from here