Bitter

I hate Viber, the phone app. You can forget about privacy when you install it on your phone. It allows people you tried so hard to bury in your past to resurface and find you. Like this incoming call. I didn't know if I should pick up. I didn't want to be disrespectful, so I braced myself and said hello.

He was the first guy I ever moved in with. It was a huge step for me then. Not only was I about to start a life with someone, I also knew I was giving up on any hope of being straight. I'd still be in the closet but could finally close that confused chapter in my life. I told myself it was for him. For us.

But forever ended when he found someone else to spend it with. I thought I would never recover from the hurt, the bitterness, the anger. And yet there we were. Talking. Laughing. Enjoying the familiar conversation and playful banter. There were no apologies offered, but we parted as friends.

I stared at his name on my phone's screen, wondering why I didn't dredge up the past, demand an apology, and hold out on the friendship. I just couldn't. Perhaps even in the worst of break-ups, after the pain subsides, the bitterness passes, and the anger is spent, love is all there is you have left.

photo from here

Delivery

Saturday.

"Our cable subscription sucks. Chinese. More Chinese. Aaaaaand... still Chinese. Wait, this one looks Korean. Great. Dubbed and subbed in Chinese. For Confucius' sake! We have hundreds of channels, and I end up just quickly jumping from one to the other. If only these channels were boys..."

I was into one of my usual monologues. I honestly think I'm turning into a caricature of a mid-age housewife, sans the colorful duster, large hair curlers, and Swarovski crystal-embellished nail art. Hubby eventually tired of my bitching and kicked me out. I think he just wanted to watch China's answer to Mara Clara in peace.

I decided to go to one of my favorite streets, where the entire stretch is lined with local crafts. Armed with broken Chinese and Kapwa Ko Mahal Ko hand gestures, I was able to negotiate two large paintings, matching wooden frames, two huge stone statues, a delivery van, and two hunky guys to help me with my stash.

I walked into our apartment with the musclemen in tow. When they started to bring my valued purchases in, I had to help my husband pick his jaw up off the floor. I was so excited, I didn't know where best to place them. I had to ask the guys to move them around a few times. Also a great excuse for keeping the men there longer.

Sunday.

Hubby had a satellite dish installed.

photo from here

I Got Mooned

The Mid-Autumn festivities exploded over the long weekend. There were bright lanterns everywhere. Restaurants were full. Shops quickly ran out of fruit baskets. And people were in a celebratory mood.

Since the holiday is also known as the Mooncake Festival, countless boxes of this pastry were going around. It's one of the few Chinese sweets that I enjoy, and I was over the moon when a friend brought me special ones from a recent trip.

Let me share a few of these with you, albeit online. Cheeky, yet fitting, delicacies for the Moon Festival.

photos from boysky.com and the G.O.D. lifestyle store

Halik

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Tagsibol (Good Vibes)

Pinilit kong bumangon. Pinagpag ko ang kumot bago ito inilatag sa ibabaw ng kama. Pumailanlang ang alikabok ng mga nakaraang araw at sumayaw sa ilalim ng matingkad na sikat ng araw sa may bintana.

Pagkagayak ay umupo ako sa labas para lasapin ang init ng yakap ng araw. Ipinikit ko ang aking mga mata at ipinaubaya ang aking katawan, hanggang sa nanuot ito sa aking kaibuturan. Napawi ang kapit at amoy ng alimuom at naging ganap ang pag-angkin sa akin ng liwanag.

Sabay sa aking pagmulat ay ang pagyabong ng mga kulay at paghuni ng mga ingay. Humayo ako nang may sigla ang hakbang, upang busugin ang matagal ko nang di naramdamang gutom.

photo credit: my.opera.com

Little White Lie

Nabanggit ko dati na halos lahat ng aking ex ay naging kaibigan ko rin. Kaya't normal lang sa akin na makatanggap ng text mula sa kanila. Tulad ng aking ex na nakiusap kanina na may asikasuhin ako para sa kaniyang negosyo. Siyempre nagkuwentuhan na rin kami tungkol sa mga kapwa kakilala.

Nagtanong ang aking asawa kung sinong ka-text ko. Hindi siya selosong tao, pero natigilan ako. Dati ko kasing nabanggit na si ex ay pinsan ko. Hindi pang-uuto, ayaw ko lang maungkat ang aming nakaraan. Siguro mali at dapat ang sinabi ko'y kaibigan, pero nataranta ako. Isa siyang kink sa aking personality.

Pero dapat bang malaman ng asawa ang nakaraan ng kaniyang kabiyak? Hindi ko ugaling magtanong. Ilang din akong pag-usapan ang sino, ilan, at dahilan ng hiwalayan - akin man o kanya. Dahil siguro ayaw kong maimpluwensiyahan ng dati ang ngayon.

Itinuwid ko ang aking kasinungalingan at pigil-hiningang inantay ang bugso ng galit at paninibugho. Pero natawa lang siya at sinabing wala akong kailangang baguhin sa nakaraan. Hinarap niya ako at sinimulan naming pag-usapan ang pagtulong na aming gagawin para sa kaibigang nangangailangan.

photo credit: peterfever.com
  

Paghihiganti

We were raised to forgive those who have done us wrong. So when Jeff left me for Noli (click link for story), I tried to forge a friendship with both of them. But it's hard to remain gracious, particularly when the pain is still there. The bile slowly creeps its way up, and all you can think about is the sweet taste of revenge to rid yourself of all the bitterness.

We were having lunch at Robinson's, where Jeff was meeting a client to visit a housing project in Laguna. He suggested for Noli to keep me company, and we'd meet up with him later in the afternoon. After Jeff left, I told Noli that I was tired, wanted to catch a quick nap at home, but he was welcome to hang out, if he wanted.

A few minutes later, I was in bed in my boxers. I told Noli that he was free to join me if he was tired and closed my eyes. I felt the cushion give way as he slowly crawled in from the other side. I had both hands behind my head, chest and biceps still tense from the previous day's workout, legs slightly apart. They were an eternity apart, but the sounds of compressed bed springs came closer until his breath was upon me.

"Pu! Tang! Ih! Nah! Niyo!" I screamed over and over in my head. One syllable for each thrust. I never cry during sex, but that time, I was overcome with emotion. Then his phone rang. Nobody stopped to pick it up. Then mine rang. A few more rings and we were done. "Sunduin na natin siya," I told Noli, avoiding his eyes. We quietly dressed and went back for Jeff.

Jeff's hands were clenched. He was trembling. No words were spoken, but he knew. It wasn't the tears, but what I read in his eyes that crushed me. The pain he felt wasn't only for Noli and him. It was also for letting me go before, for giving me up.

I ran away from both of them, and locked myself in one of the rest room cubicles. Bile and pieces of chicken and rice were climbing up my throat. I vomited into the toilet bowl, and I retched some more, until I had nothing left inside. Except for that empty, hollow feeling that you get after having your fill of revenge.

(P.S. Jeff and I have since forgiven each other, and we remain friends. Jeff and Noli have decided to go separate ways after a year together. I have not seen Noli since the incident.)

photo credit : iamkoream.com
    

The Color Of Our Collar

I just heard that a straight friend of mine is now in a domestic partnership. He's the deputy head of a firm, while she is/was a stripper. Do they have a future? Out of political correctness, I should say that one's social status shouldn't be an issue. I am not a skeptic, but I am concerned. He had a previous nervous breakdown due to a failed relationship and probably won't survive another one.

Is it truly possible for people from different worlds to sustain a long-term relationship? I was once a romantic. I used to believe that as long as two people were in love, it wouldn't matter if they came from different backgrounds. But oftentimes, things look better from afar.

I met Jeff in Starmall. He was moreno, cute, and had a nice smile. He was a merchandiser in a department store, and moonlighted as a real estate agent for a low-cost housing project in his free time. Typical story - we met, he invited me to dinner, and we fell for each other.

We always stayed in his boarding house in Sampaloc. We shared meals in the carinderias that flourished in the area. We would have drinks in places that looked more like sari-sari stores. It was a simple life, and we were happy. Until I started sharing more of myself, my life, with him.

One day he picked me up at work, and he quietly said he was not comfortable around people in ties or barongs. I quickly took mine off. I brought him to my flat, which was small and simply decorated, but had a spectacular view. He smiled as he looked out the window, but there was a sadness in his eyes. Even the sex was different. It felt stiff, cursory.

Something intangible was suddenly yet firmly wedged between us. For months I desperately tried to reach out and bridge the widening gap, but he wouldn't reach back. I didn't know the reason, until he said, "Sean, sorry pero may nakilala ako. Merchandiser din siya. Mas bagay kami sa isa't isa." (How I got back at him will be for another entry.)

I was heartbroken and blamed myself for what happened. But looking back, is it possible that the gap was there all along, and we simply chose to ignore it at first? I hope that my experience was only one of a few unfortunate ones, but can love really transcend differences between people? I don't know the answer, but for my friend and his partner, I wish that they will have more faith that it can.

photo credit : famewatcher.com