In and Out

I had fun with Paolo in the usual tourist traps in the city. I have not seen him in over a decade, but in his brief visit, I realized why we were together then. And why it had to end.

We filled each other in on our respective lives. He spoke of his relationships, subsequent separations, and life with his current partner. I told him about hubby.

He was hurt that I met hubby so quickly after we parted ways. I reminded him who left the other emotionally battered and bruised for another. He just smiled. 

We waited until the last minute, but then he had to go. We embraced each other, finding it difficult to let go. He wiped his cheek with his sleeve and slipped away into the restricted area of the airport.

The days passed too quickly, three days that summed up our own history. It may have been under different circumstances, but just like that, Paolo walked out on me again.

Of Closets and Working on Weekends

I can only hope... It's a working weekend for me. I need a drink... Lunch break's over. Back to work!

Hurt

I don't know why I listen to him. He says the most hurtful things. He knows my insecurities and uses them against me. He chips away at my confidence, and laughs in triumph at the wreck that I am.

I tried to leave him countless times. But just when I thought I was finally free, he'd be there looking over my shoulder, whispering, laughing, mocking me. And back in his grip I'd again feel small.

I want to believe that I am good enough. That I am not as insignificant as I feel. And be confident of what I can do, what I can be. Now I understand that the only way is to be free.

Of that inner critic within me.

Ang Sabi Ng Iba

Ang sabi ng iba, habang tumatagal, nauubos ang tamis. Tumatabang. At kapag ika'y nagsawa, dapat na itong iluwa at itapon. Sumubo ng bago. At kapag nagpumilit kumapit sa iyong sapatos, ikaskas mo sa semento. Hanggang ito'y kusang magsawa at humulagpos.

Ang sabi ng iba, kumukupas ang kilig sa isang pagsasama. Wala ng sorpresa kung  lubos na kayong magkakilala. Di na kailangang hulaan pa ang nais niyang sabihin. Alam mo na rin kung ano ang dapat halikan, dilaan, susuhin.

Hindi ko alam kung tama nga sila.

Dahil sa tuwing ako'y kinukulit ng aking asawa. Sinisimangutan sa mga ganting pang-aalaska. Pinapatulog ng ilan niyang mga kuwento. Pinagagalitan sa aking bisyong paninigarilyo.

Kinikilig pa rin ako.

Lihim

Narito ako sa pagitan ng sarap at pagsisisi. Sadya kasing masarap ang bawal, kaya't di naawat ang sarili. Ngayo'y huli na ang lahat, at ito'y aking pagsisisihan. Ngunit di muna ngayon.

Isang pangakong ngayo'y muling tinatalikuran. Makailang beses ko na ba itong naihingi nang kapatawaran. Umaasang di malalaman ng asawang walang kamuwang-muwang.

Kaya heto ako, may lihim na itinatago. May pag-aalinlangan kung humalik sa asawang niloloko. Asawang malakas ata ang pang-amoy at nakahalata sa aking isinisikreto.

"Kailan ka na naman nagsimulang manigarilyo?"

Cake

I have to deliver a presentation on Monday, and I'm stressing out. It comes with the job, but I still fret over it each time. Public speaking and other skills in my line of work are just not in my nature. So I question why I am in this role and industry in the first place.

I have always leaned more on the creative over the technical. Art, music, creative writing, and foreign languages were the subjects I enjoyed the most. I wanted to take up fine arts and filled up applications with universities that had the best programs.

"Walang pera diyan anak," my Dad said and forbade me from turning in my applications unless they were for business or technical courses.

Maybe he was right, I don't know. But here I am, stuck with something that I hate. Unable to shift industries after years of specialization. Unwilling to let go of the salary that comes with the experience level. Unhappy yet waited too long to do anything about it.

After another long day at work, I met up with hubby for dinner and dessert. I still couldn't stop thinking as we ate. I knew my own choices led me to this point, but I wondered if I'd be more happy now if my Dad supported me back then.

But then again, would I still have met the person seated across the table and trying his best to cheer me up?