Black and White

I stepped back from the canvas and gave my latest work a once over. I went through a checklist of technicalities in my head. The perspective was accurate, the rendering even, the detailing spot on, and the correct balance of chiaroscuro was achieved.

As with the hundreds I toiled over day and night this week, it was rendered in black and white. The monochrome was clinical, factual, the way it should be. I dipped the brush one last time, signed my name in full, before sending the piece to whom it may concern with my best regards.

I haven't signed anything simply as Sean in a while. I looked at my hands, pale under fluorescent lighting, now tainted only with black and shades of gray. Before I was tempted to slice my ear off, I clocked out and just counted how much I made that day in my head.

photo from tumblr.com

Urinal

Work's a bitch. It has kept me from writing and reading other blogs. Moving on...

Don't you just hate urinals? I mean, what is there to love? They force men to pee side by side - how do you unload with someone standing close to you? And with uncircumcised dicks around, the likelihood of one wetting your shoe is not remote. Oh and those automatic flushes? They're timed a few seconds too early - I always end up getting sprayed before I'm done.

In the office though, it's a different story. I love how they are strategically set up - when you enter the lavatory, you are immediately greeted by the sight of whoever's using one. The locals here prefer to stand at least a foot away from their target. And foreigners like myself? I just found out why the phrase "once you go black, you never go back" was coined.

I do bump into gorgeous guys once in a while. Too bad it's only outside the loo, as I always miss them. But this morning, a tall, blonde hunk chose to relieve himself beside me. Beautiful face, enchanting blue eyes, but it still took all of my willpower and more not to break eye contact and allow my stare to drift downwards as we chit-chatted.

I was still beating myself over what I missed and couldn't focus at work. I went to the pantry to kill time and decided to stake him out in the toilet soon. Thing is, I don't really feel the urge to pee that frequently.

"You're quite thirsty," someone commented. It was then that I realized that I have monopolized the cooler and was mid-way through my 5th glass of water.

photo from here

Kachichas

Wala akong kasamang mag-lunch kanina. Mabilis kong inubos ang aking pagkain at gumala na lang sa loob ng shopping mall. Dahil depressing para sa akin ang paglamig ng panahon, nag-impulse buying na naman ako para maibsan ang lungkot.

Bitbit ang pinamili pabalik ng opisina, tinanong ako ng kasamahan kong tsismosa kung sale daw ba. Inamin kong napabili lang ako para maaliw. Natawa siya dahil gawain daw ng babae yun. Gusto kong sabunutan ang kaniyang uni-brow at kulutin ang kaniyang nguso.

Toxic uli ang araw na ito. Halos alas onse na ng gabi, pero may isa pa akong meeting. Said na ang aking lakas, pasensiya, at good vibes. Kaunti na lang ang naiwang tao kaya't binuksan ko ang mga pinamili at isinuot ang bagong sapatos. Kinunan ko ito sabay send ng MMS sa aking asawa.

Natawa lang siya at nang-alaska bago ako muling kinulit na kumain daw muna. Pumatak ang alas-onse, kailangan ko nang pumunta ng boardroom para sa meeting. Tumayo ako't humayo, suot ang aking bagong sapatos at ang panibagong sigla sa aking lakad.

When It Rains...

I woke up with a splitting headache this morning. I wanted to stay in, but being new to the job, I dragged myself out of bed and into the office. I got in earlier than usual, made myself coffee, and started to leisurely go through my e-mails, hoping that the rest of the day would be as quiet.

Then my phone rang. I picked it up and used the standard greeting... of my ex-employer, a competitor. I got away with a few odd stares from my neighbors, and for the entire day, I had to practice what to say in my head before I took any calls.

I was then dragged into useless meetings. With a pounding head, a cramped boardroom, and the way everyone skirted around the real issues, I was ready to vomit. I was sweating so badly that i swear i could smell my pits and damp leather shoes. I bet everyone in the room did.

I was ectatic when the clock hit 6, only to find out that I had to partipate in meetings with colleagues in another time zone. I was hungry and nauseous and all I could hear for the next hours was the rumbling in my stomach before I finally vomited into the nearest bin.

The last call finished late, and I ran downstairs to catch the last train. I sprinted to the nearest station only to see the shutters at the entrance slowly descend before finally shutting me out. I stood in the middle of the street, unwell and on the verge of exasperation.

Then, as if on cue, the rain started to pour.

photo from here

Mabenta

Katatapos lang ng mahabang public holiday dito, at simula kahapon ay may pasok na. Lahat ay nagtatrabaho ngayong weekend upang punuan ang nakaraang mga araw ng paglalamiyerda. Upang kumita, isinama ako ng ka-opisina sa isang kliyente at nagbakasakaling makakuha ng benta.

Mag-isa lang kaming hinarap ng kliyente. Babae. Late 40s na siguro. At sobrang accommodating. Nagpakilala kami, at tinanong niya ako kung dati na kaming nagkita. Ngayon lang kami nagkakilala, at biglang ang dami na niyang tanong tungkol sa aking background.

Habang naglalako ang aking kasama, panay ang pukol ng panakaw na sulyap sa akin ng aming kliyente. Makailang beses rin niya akong kinulit kung saan nga raw ba niya ako dating nakita. Baka raw sa TV. Nakabenta naman kami, kaya't masaya kaming bumalik sa opisina ng aking kasama.

At doon na ako tinukso ng ka-opisina. Mabenta at artistahin raw ang aking itsura sa mga kliyente, kaya't lagi na raw niya akong isasama. Okay, sana walang kumontra. Minsan lang may ganitong moment, kaya't pagbigyan na. Siyempre, pagka-uwi sa bahay ikinuwento ko agad sa aking asawa.

Hinawakan niya ang aking kamay bago seryosong nagsalita. "Sa Chinese tradition, ang typical na hanap nila ay ang makapagbibigay ng security sa buhay. Yung malusog dahil may kinakain. Mataas ang hairline dahil matalino. Malapad ang ilong dahil swerte," aniya sabay ngiti at kindat.

Hindi ako kumain ng dinner at breakfast. At bago umuwi, dadaan ako ng palengke para bumili ng sabila.

photo from here

Peter Holds On To His Tights

All of us were children once. We had toys - I still remember my favorite one. And we had our own little worlds. From a hidden one lit by a penlight under a blanket sky. To our dreams of never never land where children can fly and never grow up. But we did grow up. The toys disappeared. The blankets were washed. The penlight batteries ran out. And our young dreams were stripped of their innocence.

Slowly we became conscious of grown up things. Money. Career. Time. Responsibility. The same things that allow us to enjoy our grown up toys, live comfortably in this grown up world, and fulfill our grown up dreams. Toy, world, dream - blogging is all these to me, but now life is getting in the way. And the more I try to grow up, I find it all the more difficult not to let it go.

photo from here

Useless Lump

On my first day at work last week, the office handed me a brick. A chunky paper weight. Well they said I can access my email account and do a hundred other things on-the-go with it. I don't exactly remember what, 'cause I kinda zoned out when I.T. started to speak in tongues.

As with the ones I had before my extended unemployment, I shoved the useless lump in my drawer and sealed its fate. Until it suddenly started ringing. It was our team's dragon lady of a secretary berating me for not having it on hand. I thought of denying it, but she was just behind me.

So here I am, trying to make sense of it. Slowly warming up to it, as I gradually learn which buttons to press. I somewhat understand it now, I know it will become useful in time. Because like me, it just needs to prove that it deserves having been given a second chance.

photo from here

Summer's End

Yesterday felt like the last day of the school summer break. On one hand you feel excited. You pick out what you'll wear the next day and make sure that everything is ready. On the other hand, something gnaws at you. You worry unnecessarily and can't sleep as soundly.

And then today comes. The day you've been expecting. The same one you've been dreading. After all, what happens today can make or break you. You walk through the door, and you're finally in. Yet as the day advances, you realize you've never felt more out.

After a while, I decided to take a short break to escape the cold in the office. I stepped out of the building, and decided to draft this entry out here in the sun. Sweating in this suit. Trying to catch even just the tail end of the summer that I now so desperately miss.

photo from here

Escape

Today I walked. And walked. Then walked some more. Leisurely. Aimlessly. I didn't care about street names and directions. I thought maybe you don't really get lost if you don't have a destination.

I loved the warmth of the sun on my skin. The way it made my skin prickly before the beads of sweat came. And with the arrival of the mid-autumn and its festivities, the weather was slightly cooler. More pleasant.

I even welcomed the dust in the air and the smell of exhaust fumes from vehicles on the road. For like the sun and the cool breeze, their unseen choke has been a part of my days.

I stopped under a large tree, and steadied myself against it. I looked around. Listened. Inhaled the scents around me. Felt the rough bark against my hand. Committing what came to my senses to memory.

Tomorrow I will again be confined within the padded walls of a workstation, with its artificial lighting, air-conditioning, and the smooth feel of modular plastic. And so today I wanted to make sure I'll remember all this, for those times when I'll feel the need to escape.



photo from here

A Geisha's Life

I met up with my future employers for drinks. I'm not due to report to work until the middle of next month, and I don't think social invitations this early were customary. With the tanking markets and companies announcing job cuts, I suspected it was a pseudo elimination round.

I went to the bar early, hoping to make a good impression with my punctuality. They arrived after a few minutes. In suits and ties in the sweltering summer heat. I felt underdressed in my typical friday night shirt, jeans and loafers. I was Gap in Hugo Boss territory. 

But I played the part. The corporate handshakes. The measured smiles. Hints of what I hear in the markets (read parroting CNN). Complementing the choice of red wine. Wit. My inner Sayuri/Hatsumomo has been repressed for so long that I was surprised it all came to me so easily.

Then it was over. I was warmly welcomed before we left, so I guess I'm still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model. Then the fatigue just hit me. I was drained from the meeting, but more so with the realization that no matter how hard I try to escape, this is the only life I know.

Happy Ending?

The lights onstage are dim. The set empty. The judges' panel vacant. I am alone backstage. I look at the lighted mirror in front of me and strip everything off. The borrowed sequined dress. The coiffed hair extensions. The false eyelashes. The gaudy make up. My winning smile. Until all that stares back is me.

I look at the crumpled piece of paper, clasped tightly in my right hand. Callback after callback, and the role is finally mine. We still have to iron out the details, but it is finally happening. I am coming back. I search my eyes, naked under the glare of combined wattage. Am I happy? Is this really where I want to be?

Big and bright, that's how my eyes looked in the light. Unsure. Somewhat panicked. As I struggle to find a way back into the incoming traffic rush. It's funny I'm back in the same spot that I left almost a year ago. A year of finding myself, my true purpose, that elusive concept of fulfillment.

But as what all aging prostitutes will tell you, life goes on. Reponsibilities don't magically disappear. The bills pile up, and you go back to doing what you know best. As I wipe away the remaining red shadow on my lips, I try to hum a tune from my childhood. One that I was able to learn again during my one-year break.



Happiness is finding a pencil. 
Pizza with sausage. 
Telling the time. 
Happiness is learning to whistle. 
Tying your shoe 
For the very first time. 
Happiness is playing the drum 
In your own school band. 
And happiness is walking hand in hand. 
Happiness is two kinds of ice cream. 
Knowing a secret. 
Climbing a tree. 
Happiness is five different crayons. 
Catching a firefly. 
Setting him free. 
And happiness is being alone every now and then. 
And happiness is coming home again. 
Happiness is morning and evening, 
Daytime and nighttime too. 
For happiness is anyone and anything at all 
That's loved by you. 
Happiness is having a sister. 
Sharing a sandwich. 
Getting along. 
Happiness is singing together 
When day is through, 
And happiness is those who sing with you. 
Happiness is morning and evening, 
Daytime and nighttime too. 
For happiness is anyone and anything at all 
That's loved by you. 


photo from here

Hosto

Habang humihithit ng sigarilyo, naalala ko nung ako ang pinakamabentang hosto sa isang klab na nagpapanggap na malaking kumpanya sa may Ayala. Sapat ang kita, at masaya naman sa aking ginagawa. Araw araw na paglalandi sa mga parokyano, pagsasalsal ng utak sa harap ng kompyuter, at pakikipagkantutan sa mga katrabaho para makabuo ng mga solusyong kinakailangan.

Nagbago ang lahat nang ipinamana ako ng dati kong bugaw sa iba. Hindi maganda ang samahan namin ng bagong bugaw. Bawat salitang bitawan niya ay pang-iinsulto sa aking dangal. Galing sa basang dilang walang sawa sa pagsibasib sa aking tenga at nag-iiwan ng panis na laway sa aking pagkatao.

Araw araw kung ako'y kaniyang halayin. Luhod, bukaka, tuwad at tambling ay ginawa ko nang lahat, pero sa kaniya ay kulang pa rin. Maraming beses din akong tumayo at lumaban, ngunit unti-unti pa ring nagupo ang aking kalooban. Kasabay nito ay ang paglamlam ng dati kong angking kinang.

Tuwing katapusan, aking binibilang ang sweldong tumutustos sa pangangailangan ng katawan. Perang katumbas ng nawawalang respeto sa sarili at katinuan. Marangal nga ang aking trabaho, pero ganito ang aking pakiramdam.

Huling hithit bago ko tinapakan ang sindi ng upos ng sigarilyo. Hinubad ko ang aking kurbata at ipinalit ang natitirang puri. Nagsimula akong lumakad papalayo sa anino ng mga naglalakihang gusali upang hanapin ang aking sarili.

photcredit : bedstory.blogspot.com
  

Monday Blues

Mondays really take their toll on me.

I always wake up minutes earlier, anticipating the alarm but very much dreading the drone of weekday life. I lay silent in the dark, watching the second hand slowly pull the morning in as it sweeps across the clock's face. Tick, tick, tick... My entire being braces itself not for an explosion, but in knowing the absence of even a spark in the days to come.

The alarm goes off, and I extricate myself from my bed. I attend to the call of nature, take a quick shower, and put on a shirt and tie. Breakfast is quick, and the drive to the office uneventful. I trudge through the rest of the day's routine, feeling my spirit gradually dim with the light outside.

I have lost my senses, which to me are essential in experiencing life. In the past, I would be awakened by the deafening sound of the alarm and would linger in bed to savor the warmth trapped under the covers. Getting up, my skin would then be assaulted by pinpricks as I turn the airconditioning off. Numbers 1 and 2 felt as cleansing as the warm fragrant bath that followed. The smell and taste of buttered toast were heavenly, and dressing up was preceded by a difficult selection process. The view of the drive to the office would not be limited to the backside of the vehicle in front of me, and the rest of the day would be as much with friends as it was with colleagues.

qwickstep.com

XXX ### - that's the plate number of the car in front of me. As nameless as the thousands of commuters heading home at this hour. The car turned right into a McDonald's drive-through station, and under the bright yellow arches, I caught a glimpse of the male driver smiling at the kids who were ecstatic in the back seat.

I stepped on the gas to close the gap in front of me. A reddish light appeared on my dashboard.

I am empty...

photo credit: Deeraj Gupta