Miguel

Hindi ko ugaling mag-delete ng contacts sa cellphone. Tamad talaga akong mag-update ng address book, kahit paso na ang ibang number. Kaya naman laking gulat ko nang makakuha ako ng text sa kaniya. College pa kasi nang kami'y huling nagkita.

"Miguel is now using Viber..." Ah ok, automatic notification lang pala.

First day of school nang kami'y nagkakilala. Isang unlikely friendship dahil napakatotoy niya, lumaking sheltered samantalang lahat ata ng bisyo't katarantaduhan ay nagawa ko na. Mula noon ay di na kami nagkahiwalay. Araw-araw magkasama, buong gabing magkausap.

Unti-unting lumaki ang aming barkada, pero si Jen ang naging pinakamalapit sa aming dalawa. Dahil sa mga naging problema ko sa bahay, sila ang kinilala kong tunay na pamilya. May mga gago nga lang na nagtatanong kung threesome daw ba ang aming setup.

Senior year nang ang dalawa'y nagsabing sila na. Nag-uumapaw ang aking saya para sa kanila. Walang nagbago sa amin, ngunit kusa akong lumayo. Kumalas upang magbigay space sa bago nilang pagsasama. Lagi na akong may excuse sa tuwing ako'y kinukumbida.

Ilang araw bago ang graduation nang sila ay mag-away. Umamin sa akin si Miguel, nangaliwa raw siya. Di ko mapigilan ang aking galit. Walang tigil ko siyang pinagmumura, at malamang ay nabugbog ko kung di ako napigilan ng iba. Natigil na lang ako sa tanong ng isa naming kabarkada.

"Bakit ka ba galit na galit? Cool ka lang pare dahil hindi naman ikaw ang niloko. Alam kong malapit ka kay Jen, pero nakakalimutan mo atang si Miguel ang best friend mo."

Tama nga ang aming kaibigan. Bakit ganun na lang ang aking galit? Hindi ba dapat ay nanatili akong objective at pareho silang inintindi at inalagaan? Hindi na kami nagkita matapos ang graduation. Saka ko na lang naintindihan ang nangyari, at naamin ito sa aking sarili.

Totoong hindi nga ako ang niloko. Ako lang ang umasa.

photo from here

Libreng Pangarap

Tumaya ako ng lotto. Yung equivalent nito sa bansang ito. Malabo mang mangyari, malay mo manalo. Hindi ko na kailangang pumasok sa bagong trabaho sa susunod na linggo. Pwede na kaming umuwing mag-asawa at sundin ang talagang gusto.

Dati akong guro sa isang pampublikong paaralan. Saglit lang naman. Hanggang inabutan ng responsibilidad at pangangailangan. Napadpad ng Makati bago dito nakipagsapalaran. Nakalimot sa unang bokasyon, dahil sa buhay na nakasanayan.

Mahirap magturo. Pero nang makilala ko ang aking mga alaga, mas mahirap palang matuto. Lalo na kung ikaw ay nagugutom. Kailangang tumulong kumita sa hapon. Bago matutukan ang gawaing bahay. At walang mapagtanungan sa di nakatapos mong magulang.

Kailangan mong tiyagain. Unti-unting pagsikapan. Hanggang makita mo ang kanilang kagalakan, na di lang dahil sa kanilang naintindihan. Kundi dahil na rin sa nakita nilang pagmamalaki ng kanilang tatay-tatayan.

photo from here

Blast From The Past

I was tidying up my ipod playlists when I came upon a set of 80s and 90s songs. I played a couple of upbeat tunes as I begrudgingly started cleaning my bathroom. Each verse triggered random memories of my grade school years, and I caught the beginnings of a smile in my reflection as my chest warmed.

Life was much simpler then. Friendships were forged over things like tex, jolens, gumamela bubbles, and bazooka joe comic strips. Neighbors played tumbang preso, patintero and piko on the streets at night. (Isama na rin natin ang jackstone at chinese garter para sa mga maagang namulat.) And there was no trace of malice when we showed our "birds" to each other especially during circumcision season. What can be more innocent than calling wannabe cocks "birds"?

A few more songs into the playlist re-awakened the familiar angst I felt during my teen years. Friendships became more of relationships involving deeper consciousness and stronger attachments. I went to an all-boys school and inexperience had me confuse friendship and sex with love (to be honest, I'm still confused haha). Yes, this was the period of sexual awakenings. We would brag about our heterosexual exploits with each other, explore beerhouses and massage parlors in Quezon Avenue together, while secretly wondering when you will have the chance to jack off again with the more adventurous lot.

Then the senti songs started playing, and a feeling of panic swept over me.  I don't know how to describe it but I get the same feeling when I get into an elevator and it stops midway between floors. These songs take me back to the years of my first relationships. Extremely wonderful memories which are still difficult to reminisce as I would still physically feel the pain of these losses in my chest and abdomen. I could not breathe, so I left the cramped bathroom while struggling with my ipod controls to dispel the pain.

I am in a loving relationship, and I could not be happier. But there are still times when I feel I am stuck midway, with fears from past hurts limiting my future happiness. Club music finally started playing from the small speakers, and I moved wildly with the rhythm to shed the lingering depression. I gradually felt better, hopeful that the time will come when I can listen and smile through my 80/90s playlist.

photo credit: toteroclan.unlimitboard.com, reverseshot.com