Confession

Ito ay isang pangungumpisal. Sa isang pagkakasala, na mula't sapul ay hindi ko pinagsisihan. Kahit na alam kong hindi ito tama. Tutal maraming taon na rin ang nakalipas. Baka ito na ang tamang panahon para magpakumbaba, at aminin na ito ay isang pagkakamali.

Gwapo siya, matikas, matatas magsalita, mabait. Kapwa nagkikita sa gym, nagkakayayaang lumabas. Hanggang sa unti-unti kaming nahulog sa isa't isa. Ngunit bago humantong sa isang bagay na hindi na namin matatalikuran, siya ay umamin. Siya ay nakatali sa iba.

Pinilit ko siyang talikuran. Kalimutan. Dahil alam kong hindi ito kaya ng aking kunsensiya. Dati na rin akong naloko, at halos di ko ito kinaya. Ngunit kapwa kami marupok. Pareho kaming nadarang. Ilang taon kaming nakalimot.

Hanggang bigla na lang siyang nagising. Nagpaalam. Inilayo. Alam ko namang wala akong laban. Hindi ako ang dapat niyang lugaran. Hindi ako naghabol kahit na sukdulan akong nasaktan. Karma na rin siguro ng isang makasalanan.

Ako'y nagmatigas at kailanma'y hindi humingi ng tawad. At kung ang mga nakaraang pagsubok ang aking kaparusahan, tanggap ko ang lahat ng ito. Ngunit pagod na rin ako. Ilang taon ko na siyang isinuko. Matagal na siyang nakabalik sa Inyo. Sana ay napatawad Niyo na rin ako.

photo from here

Giraffes and Unicorns

There is something comforting in waking up to candy-colored surroundings, giraffe and unicorn patterns on the wall, and rows of toys lined up on the shelves. Borrowed from one who still dreams of rainbows and fairies, this has been my cozy little haven for the past week. But today, I can't really say I woke up to such cheer. I actually haven't slept.

My parents drilled into us, their children, the importance of family. Under their tutelage, we have been there for each other. And in this critical time, everyone has come forth for our incapacitated parents' needs to the full extent of our respective financial and physical capacities. Save for one.

He came prepared for the discussion. Spreadsheets, charts, the works. I felt I was in a boardroom. Funny how the one with the most resources would fight tooth and nail to part with the least amount. The others tried to reason with him, but he wouldn't listen. I stood up when his cash flow projections came out.

"Nakakahiya ito. Ako na magbabayad ng hati niya," I said before retreating to the giraffes and the unicorns.

It's now early morning, still dark out, and I'm wide awake. I switched off the lights, and the lamp post outside cast shadows across the room. I buried myself under a mound of plushies and waited for the tiny green stars in the ceiling to glow. But none of these could comfort me. I miss Mom and Dad dearly.

photo from justusboys.com


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Unos

Bago ko ipinatong ang ilang hollow blocks at kalbong gulong dito, pinaibabawan ko ng lambat ang bubungan ng aking pagpapasensya at mahigpit na itinali ang mga haligi ng aming pagkapamilya sa aking pagpapakumbaba.

Inihanda ko ang aking sarili upang di malunod sa pagbaha ng emosyon at madala sa lakas ng ihip ng kanyang pagkamahangin. Binuksan ko ang baong liwanag ng katwiran sa inaasahang dilim ng pagtatalo.

Mula sa mapanglaw kong kinalalagyan, ako ngayo'y naghihintay sa kaniyang pagdating.

see photo for source

The Doctor Is Out

Waiting for the doctor for a routine checkup. He's already over an hour late and boredom is slowly wasting my life away. But Whitney Houston songs from another patient's iPod speakers will likely do me in first. Hendaaaaayyy... Jeez! Please kill me now.

I hope the doctor is cute and worth the wait. He must be chinito, having gone to that school. He may not have a chinese surname but the rest? Dead giveaway. I'm wearing good underwear just in case. Gawd what am I saying?

I need coffee. Haven't had my daily dose of caffeine to jumpstart my day. Hubby, badly missed, prepares a cup for me every morning. Not a Nespresso with its fancy machines. It's just instant coffee with fresh milk. But still the best damn tasting coffee I've ever had.

photo credit: ten.com.au

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

M5

Our group felt out of place. Half of the guys sported Bieber's do while most girls were Hannah Montana wannabes. Great. We were at least a decade older than everyone. Good thing there was a smattering of parents to help us blend in the crowd.

I didn't know Maroon 5 appealed to Tweens. I thought "This Love" was my generation's, but the pre-pubescents knew the lyrics better than I did. No fair. Didn't they just have Bieber over to quench their angst and wipe out their allowance? I sipped my beer and sneered at a kid's soda.

Levine's performances gradually took me back to when the "Songs About Jane" album was released a decade ago. I screamed the lyrics back at Adam and tried to keep up with some kid's awesome moves. And as the crowd chanted and swayed to the familiar songs in unison, I realized I didn't feel out of place anymore.

photo credit: toonsntunes.wordpress.com

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Baggage

Hindi ko napansin. Kanina pa pala ako nakatulala sa screen. Kumpleto na ang hinihinging information ng Cebu Pacific, detalye na lang ng credit card ang kailangan. Nilingon ko ang aking asawa mula sa aking kinauupuan. Hindi ko masuklian ang ngiting ibinato niya sa akin.

Kailangan kong umuwi sa aking pamilya. Matagal ko nang ipinagpapaliban, pero hindi na kayang takasan. Magaling akong dumiskarte sa trabaho, pero pagdating sa personal kong problema, madalas akong magtago. At dahil ayaw ko itong isipin, pati pagkwento ng detalye dito ay hindi ko magawa.

Ayaw kong iwanan ang aking asawa, pero ganyan naman yan, laging supportive. Nakangiti, akma ang piling sasabihin, bubuyuin ka, kulang na lang pagaspas ng pompoms. Pero umuwi kaninang may bitbit na mga bagong gadgets. Tingin ko mga bubutingtingin nang malibang habang wala ako.

Tiningnan ko ang mga nakatala sa screen. Tama ang personal details, ok na ang credit card information. Pero pinalitan ko ang baggage allowance. Uuwi akong backpack lang ang dala, walang pasalubong, balikbayan box o maleta. But for someone who's travelling light, bakit ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko.

photo from here

They Like It Doggy

I don't get it. More of my hetero friends have gotten hitched but don't want to have children. Well, this I understand, particularly if you're the type who doesn't want parental responsibilities. But then most of them have adopted dogs. And not just one, but an entire pack. Fine, I'm exaggerating, I meant two or three.

Don't get me wrong. I love dogs. But not to the point where you dress them up in cutesy little outfits. Or hire a nanny. Set up a 24/7 nanny cam. Import stuff for their dietary requirements. Grooming bills more extravagant than mine. Vet visits as frequent as post-natal care. And dominate conversations with Lassie's antics.

Uhm, why not just have children in the first place? Maybe if you eat enough balot while you're pregnant, they'll come out equally as balbon don't you think? I'm a dog lover, but for that kind of effort, I'll consider having children. But I don't have pekpek. Minsan nga lang, may maaamoy kang slight na malansa.

photo from here